How Come ALL Store Cookies Suck?

I did not fling the cookies I made into the yard as promised, and I just paid the price by eating way too many of them. I figured they would be okay after half a day, but in fact, they were excellent.

Here is my question: why do store cookies suck so bad? I have two guesses. First, maybe they scrimp on sugar. A cookie is just an excuse to eat sugar. Second, they don't use butter. They use disgusting vegetable shortening, which is a hundred percent inferior in every possible way.

The cookies I made were fantastic. If you could put them in stores affordably, they would sell out every day. And that's not a big boast. It's really easy to make fantastic cookies. I'm sure many of you have recipes better than mine. But the people who make cookies for a living--including most bakeries--crap it up.

Famous Amos cookies are dry and gritty. Same for Pepperidge Farm. Duncan Hines soft batch cookies taste like they contain chewing tobacco, and from the taste, you would think Entenmann's is stealing their batter. Chips Ahoy...puke.

Here is my fantastic, amazing recipe, in case you are too lazy to open a cookbook:

COOKIE INGREDIENTS

½ cup butter
½ cup sugar
½ cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
6 oz. bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, in pieces small enough for cookies
½ cup crushed pecans – optional

Beat wet ingredients together until fluffy. Add sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, and flour and blend in. Fold in chocolate and nuts.

Drop onto cookie sheet with teaspoon, 2” apart. Bake at 375 for 12-14 minutes. Allow to cool until firm. They should be thin.

I know what you're thinking. "Big deal. I can do better." You're probably right. Why can't Nabisco do better? Why can't they do a tenth as good?

This recipe was pretty much stolen from the Better Homes & Gardens cookbook. I changed a couple of things. Butter instead of vomit-inducing vegetable grease. Baking powder instead of soda. That's about it. Any boob could have done it. It should be obvious that any cookie made with vegetable grease will be about as tasty as a dog turd, but the BH&G folks apparently don't know that.

And of course, dog turds should always be made with butter. But I digress.

I wonder if I should try to come up with a recipe for improved Oreos. Other Nabisco products are crap compared to homemade. It stands to reason that it should be possible to improve the Oreo. For one thing, I could put the lard back in. Oreos not made with lard...one of the great tragedies of the late 20th century.

Guess I'll go fling the second container of cookies into the yard. I could also take them downtown and deliver them to the homeless, but then I'd have to get in the closet and look for my slingshot.