Of all the Damned Gall

I am sitting here trying to find information on blueberry cheesecake, and I keep coming across recipes using things like cottage cheese and YOGHURT.

I am so goddamned mad.

YOGHURT? IN CHEESECAKE?

GOD, the world needs my book.

Have I ever posted my easy cheesecake recipe? It's mainly for men, who are generally helpless in the kitchen. It's just the cheesecake itself, no topping or crust. It's a hundred percent authentic; no ingredient shortcuts, and no asinine "no bake" synthetic phony-ass bullshit cardboard-tasting...

Excuse me while I interrupt myself abruptly to regain my composure.

I was saying, it's real cheesecake. It's quick not because I messed with the ingredients, but because I came up with a way to bake it in an ordinary Pyrex dish instead of a springform pan. You just grease the pan, mix the stuff, pour it in, and bake it in a water bath. Then chill and eat with a serving spoon.

Life is so goddamned sad these days. Excuse my language; I am irate. You can't get a good cheesecake to save your fat ass, and it's the easiest thing on earth to make. Have you been to the Cheesecake Factory? Garbage. The entrees are okay, but the cheesecake is pure puke.

Here's what you put in cheesecake: eggs, cream cheese, sugar, and maybe some lemon juice or zest. How goddamn hard is THAT? NO, you do NOT use shitty Neufchatel cheese. NO, you do NOT use cottage cheese. Or yoghurt. Or tofu or styrofoam or sawdust.

DAMN, what has happened to the world?

Anyway, you make this stuff, and if you want, you can mix up a Graham cracker crust and put it on top (the top will be the bottom if you turn the cheesecake out of the Pyrex). When it flops out of the dish, you can put crap on top. Strawberries or bananas sauteed in butter or whatever. You can caramelize the Pyrex first, so you end up with caramel cheesecake.

Let me see if I can find it, before I lose my mind, drive to a health food store, and open fire on random vegans.

More

I can't find a regular cheesecake recipe on my PC, but here's the Atkins version. Just use sugar instead of Splenda. They measure about the same. If you're worried about it, taste it before you bake it. If it's sweet enough then, it will be sweet enough when it's cooked. If you cut this into 8 equal slices, it has like 8 grams of carbs per slice.

CHEESECAKE

So simple even a man can make it.

Take a circular Pyrex baking dish about 9" in diameter and 3" deep. Spray it with PAM. Throw 4 packages of cream cheese, 4 eggs, a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and 3 tablespoons of lemon juice into a big bowl. Beat until smooth. Mix in 1 1/2 cups of Splenda. Dump it into the Pyrex dish.

Put an oven-safe skillet or similar item into your oven. Preheat to 350. Put the Pyrex dish in the skillet. Put VERY hot water into the skillet, so that an inch or so of the Pyrex dish is under water. Bake for 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Cool the cheesecake while still in the dish. Turn it out onto a serving platter. It should roll right out. It won't taste right until it's chilled.

You can get fancy and use a cheesecake pan instead, but frankly, I'm too lazy.