Why Didn't I Think of This Before?

For some reason, I've developed a real passion for grilled cheese sandwiches lately. It's one of those trashy food cravings that hit for no reason. I'm sure you've had them, too. It's like the Papa John's thing. Papa John's makes the Pillsbury canned biscuit of pizza. It's total crap; you might as well smear sauce on Wonder Bread and melt American cheese on it. But about twice a year, I eat four Papa John's pizzas in a week.

Last week, the grilled cheese thing hit hard. I started slicing sharp cheddar onto white bread and frying it in butter, so the bread and cheese gloms together and the butter burns a little. I just did one on rye bread. And while I laid there in bed, watching the WWE, wishing there was a grilled cheese help line I could call, it occurred to me: there must be a MILLION fried sandwiches I haven't tried yet.

Remember the sandwich that killed Elvis? Of course, I'm referring to a large Tenuate pressed between two giant Quaaludes. No, I mean the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. That was a beauty. You smear peanut butter on white bread, add sliced bananas, and fry in Parkay. The M.E. in Memphis found these babies stacked nine across in the King's sigmoid colon. I could do something like that. Only SCREW the Parkay. I wouldn't use that stuff to lubricate porn midgets, let alone on food.

My mother used to make me peanut butter and banana sandwiches when I was a kid, and they were pretty good. Of course, she didn't FRY the damned things. Although she did tend to get cigarette ashes in them.

Not really. She had wonderful reflexes.

Let's see. Right away, I'm thinking fried cheese sandwiches on rye with sliced tomatoes and ham. Maybe green tomatoes. Even better.

Ham and Swiss cheese with globs of grape jelly, eaten sprinkled with confectioner's sugar?

A fried media noche? I'd be the king of Calle Ocho.

Fried sweet plantains with queso blanco and guava paste. On Cuban bread. NASTY.

I like it. The King would approve.

HOLY F___. Fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches served flambee, with banana liqueur? COME ON. You KNOW that would work.

I'm going to try it. Right after I get through being sick in my drawer.