Media Controlled by GOP; Monsters Living in His Closet

LBJ Propaganda Minister Bill Moyers says he is retiring from journalism. My question: how can you retire from a job you never did? Doesn't "journalism" have something to do with collecting and reporting facts in an unbiased manner?

Bill worked in the Kennedy and Johnson White Houses, and as we all know, the best place to find an impartial, fair-minded potential journalist is on his knees with his lips welded to the ass of a serving President.

Bill the Journalist created the famous TV ad that sunk Barry Goldwater's Presidential campaign. You may have seen it. A little girl is picking flowers when suddenly she's vaporized by a thermonuclear bomb ridden to earth by Barry Goldwater in a cowboy hat. The ad put an end to the Goldwater campaign and thwarted Republican plans to broil small children suspected of not praying in school.

LBJ reluctantly nixed Bill's original concept, which was Barry Goldwater roasting the little girl alive on a spit. Witnesses to the discussion say an angry LBJ picked Bill up by the ears and made him touch his appendectomy scar.

How does Bill the Journalist want to be remembered? For his sharp boots-on-the-ground reporting? For his uncompromising insistence on going wherever the facts took him? No, Bill wants to be remembered as a chowderhead who thinks the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy is real and Kofi Annan isn't the UN's Nixon.

In his parting words, Bill says:

I'm going out telling the story that I think is the biggest story of our time: how the right-wing media has become a partisan propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee. We have an ideological press that's interested in the election of Republicans, and a mainstream press that's interested in the bottom line. Therefore, we don't have a vigilant, independent press whose interest is the American people.

Bill went on to say biscuits with mustard tasted good to him, and that legions of elves were dancing in his underpants.

Bill Moyers is terrifying proof of exactly how far you can get in this world when you look and sound really serious while spouting crap Charlie Manson wishes he had been smart enough to say first.

Yes, Bill, the GOP is in charge of the media. That's why Dan Rather speaks at Democrat fund-raisers and ABC picked George Stephanopoulos to head its Sunday morning news show. That's why ABC's anchor is a neo-Stalinist high-school dropout who used to put the stones to Palestinian spokesshrew Hanan Ashrawi. That's why about 90% of journalists surveyed admit they're registered Democrats.

The GOP is in charge of the media, George Bush owns the networks, and the elves in your underpants are actually tiny fundamentalist Christians.

How did a nutcase like this ever get a job on television in the first place? Imagine what would happen if a conservative White House flunky tried to pass himself off as a neutral journalist.

LES MOONVES: Mr. Rove, what makes you think you have what it takes to sit in the anchor chair at CBS?

KARL ROVE: Well, I pride myself on my total lack of political bias, even though Democrats are dribbling pedophiles who should all be chemically castrated. Plus I have never seen Ed Murrow's ghost, and if I did, I would have the good sense to keep my trap shut.

LES MOONVES: We'll keep your application on file. SECURITY!

Think about it, Billy. Liberal media bias is the only reason extremist loons like you and Stephanopoulos got your jobs in the first place. In a sane world, people like you would only be allowed inside network-owned buildings while strapped to handtrucks and forced to wear goalie masks.

Good riddance to a dangerous, lying goof whose tenure at PBS is a fetid, reeking stain in the annals of American "journalism." I hope he lives long enough to see the GOP get another 10% of the seats in Congress and to realize that liberalism in the U.S. is as dead as LBJ's beagle.