A Partial List of Popular Musicians Who Should be Publicly Dismembered

Today I read that Guantanamo prisoners are being tortured with the music of Christina Aguilera. Before the liberal cry-babies get any traction with this ridiculous story, let me point out that we recently learned that President Bush tortures himself with an Ipod containing the song "My Sharona."

If Christina Aguilera is a slap in the face, "My Sharona" is a laser-guided bunker-buster that takes out your house and kills your whole family.

What would I used to torture terrorists?

1. Kenny G. I call him "Kenny G-Spot." It's like having estrogen poured into your ears through a funnel. Women have unbelievably bad taste in music, and they keep Kenny and his ilk in business. If I were God, I would make women pass a test before being allowed to buy CD's. And I would also turn the U.S. on to the Saudis' progressive policy on female drivers.

2. Disco. ALL disco. Again, women are to blame. Women like to dance, and men like sex, so they dance to make women happy. Result: K.C. and the Sunshine Band becoming rich and famous instead of being tied to posts and shot, the way they should have been. Two kinds of men like disco: gay men, and men who are such dogs they would drink septic-tank smoothies if they thought it would get them laid.

3. Indian music. Just abominable. Sounds like monkeys in heat. And everyone in every video wears orange.

4. Nine-Inch Nails. Inspirational music for serial killers. Background music for having sex with dead bodies.

5. All rap. It's like paying someone to yell at you. What's so entertaining about calling women whores and shooting the police? Vile music for vile people. But it will be with us as long as the parents of teenage children hate it. We need to convince teenagers we hate it when they pull their pants up and call us "sir."

6. Pat Boone. He seems like a nice enough guy, but listening to his music is like drowning in melted American cheese. And we don't need him any more, because these days, black people are allowed to record their own songs.

7. Prince. Okay, okay, you're a horny five-foot-two-inch androgynous badass. We get it. Reasoning with people who think this moron is talented is like telling radical Muslims the Koran is a good alternative to Charmin.

8. Michael Jackson. Slow people think the ability to dance well--to someone else's choreography--somehow equates to musical talent. Here's a newsflash for you: the song "Thriller" SUCKED. "Billy Jean" SUCKED. "Bad" sucked. Almost all of his songs suck. Listen to this idiot while not watching the videos, and see for yourself. Apart from all that, do you really want to finance pedophilia?

9. Jamiroquai. First of all, what the hell does "Jamiroquai" mean? How do you think up a word like that? Second, seeing this doofus on TV helped me understand how pit bulls feel when mailmen enter their yards.

10. Frank Zappa. Another imaginary talent. Being obnoxious may be amusing, but it is not necessarily a sign of genius.

I could go on for hours.

One day when I rule the world, children in public schools will be forced to listen to real music instead of songs about diversity and having two lesbian mommies. Maybe then we will see hacks like Prince working at Burger King, and B.B. King won't have to struggle to fill 2000-seat tents at state fairs.