I Will Not Ask You a Second Time

People always say "Guns aren't toys!" What a load of crap. Guns are the coolest toys possible.

Let's admit it, guys. We enjoy the damn things. How many men have a real need for more than four or five* self-defense weapons? One or two percent? For the rest of us, it's just the fun of having more guns.

I was watching a Firefly DVD tonight, and it was the episode where the crew gets a bunch of big ol' guns and defends a whorehouse from a guy trying to steal a baby. Watching the characters have all that fun shooting each other, I felt really left out. And I realized it had been a long time since I had checked my non-essential guns to make sure they were okay. So I got out the Desert Eagle and the .357 and laid in bed next to an empty pizza box, dry-firing at Gina Torres and Nathan Fillion. Not because I hated them, but because they got a lot of screen time and they have big heads.

I was lying there burping and taking the guns apart and putting them back together, and I realized that if I were a nut--a seriously mental-type nut and not a mere eccentric--I would be a real problem for law enforcement. With a 7-shot .357 in one hand and a seven-shot .50AE Desert Eagle in the other, I could cause all sorts of difficulties before they finally splattered my brains on the pavement. Which would probably take a while, because cops don't shoot too good. And let's face it. My belly fat would harmlessly absorb a lot of 9mm rounds. They'd have to shoot for the head to make a real impression.

I still have not figured out what a .50AE Desert Eagle is good for, except for going "BANG" really loud at the range. The Magnum Research site shows some guys annihilating a pile of watermelons with them. Maybe that's the purpose. Watermelon hunting.

They're too big for shooting people, because the bullets go right through without accomplishing anything. I guess it would be a good gun if you felt like shooting an enormous bear or a cow or something. Not an innocent cow; that would be unsportsmanlike.

A cow armed with a watermelon.

You have to love man toys. Things that go "pow" and explode and go really fast and set things on fire. It's all wonderful stuff.

Anyway, guns are definitely toys. They're just toys that can kill you.

*One for the car, one for the nightstand, a formal piece for black-tie events, one for the office, and a .22 for cats and overly bright porch lights.