I Love DDT and Exotic Species

I begin with a confession. I had cheesecake for breakfast.

Look, what do you want me to do? I made food for Noche Buena, and it wasn't perfect, so I had to go back over it and test the recipes.

Okay, okay, you're right. I DIDN'T make cheesecake on Noche Buena. But I thought about it. That justifies working on it now. Don't question the logic. Like a Pajamas Media business plan, it's above your head.

I made PEACH cheesecake. I guess you'll want to know why. It's complicated. I learned that the strawberry fields in Dade County were producing some marvels, so I assumed the stores were full of berries suitable for cheesecake. I went to the store. I bought cheese, Graham cracker crumbs, and all the other crap. Then I got to the produce section, and all they had were little green knobs from Argentina. I don't know why the huge local berries weren't available.

Right now, raspberries and blueberries run about four thousand dollars a pint. I decided to try an alternative. I bought frozen peaches for the goop, and I got 4 Chilean peaches to slice on top.

I don't recommend it. Peaches are too wimpy to work in cheesecake. The peach is my all-time favorite pie fruit, but on top of a cheesecake, you can barely taste it. I ended up with the usual orgasmic cheesecake, topped by a substance which is nearly useless. I should scrape it off and pour jelly on the cake.

I think that as long as I live in Miami, where pie cherries are never available, I'm going to be limited to strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries. Guava isn't so bad, but like most tropical fruits, it has a slight off-flavor.

I don't know why tropical fruits are like that. Mangoes are a good example. They have a nice peach-like flavor (only not nearly as good), but on top of that, you can always taste sap. Have you ever had a Surinam cherry? It's a gorgeous red fruit that hangs from hedges all over Miami. I used to eat them when I was a kid. The flavor is always ridiculously sappy. Even papayas have a little bit of that green flavor.

Some tropical fruits don't have it. Mamey, for example, but that fruit tends to have a taste like a chalky antacid, and it has little hairs in it. Starfruits are pretty good, although the flavor isn't interesting. Loquats are nice, but you can't do anything with them except eat them fresh. Bananas are fine, as are citrus fruit and pineapples. Sea grapes are okay, but they don't have much personality.

I know some of you must be scratching your heads. "'Loquats'? He made that up, right?"

When I was in college, I went to an arboretum in Delaware with some friends. I said something like, "Look at the banana trees," and they had no idea which trees I was talking about.

Listing all the weird fruits I've seen growing down here reminds me of a fact I have often pointed out: Florida was a complete dump before we eradicated all the local flora and fauna and replaced it with better stuff. I know that saying that makes the Greenies puke granola all over their filthy T-shirts, but it's true.

I'm sitting here trying to think of a decent fruit that is native to Florida, and I'm drawing a blank. I've seen wild dewberries here. They're pretty much like blackberries, but I think you only get one or two off each tiny little bush. I believe they only grow in the upper half of the state. They're pretty worthless.

Sea grapes may be indigenous. I'm not sure. I believe coconuts floated here from other places and grew. Key limes were planted by the Spanish or the British. I forget.

Yeah, we're much better off now that we've killed the scrubby disgusting trees and put up orange trees and banana trees and ficuses full of iguanas and parrots. To hell with the native weeds. All they do is grow chiggers. I assume you know what chiggers are. They are tiny biting bugs which have a ravenous appetite for testicles. They leave swollen, itchy lumps that last about a week. Wonderful creatures. The CIA should drop them on Iran.

I guess I'll throw the cheesecake out. A mediocre treat isn't worth the weight gain.