It's Possible

I had a weird idea just now, while I was making ANOTHER pizza.

By using a food processor, I've made the dough process pretty painless. But cheese is still a problem, because pre-shredded cheese is garbage and soft cheese is really hard to grate.

What if I could arrange it so you could use the processor to grate the cheese? You can freeze your mozzarella and grate tiny amounts one at a time, using a processor, but that's a giant pain. What if you could just throw ALL the cheese in and get excellent results?

If you could do that, you could make ALL the ingredients for a perfect pizza in ten minutes, sauce included.

So I'm trying it now.

The secret is to leave out the mozzarella. I had a lump of provolone I didn't know what to do with, and provolone is excellent on pizza, and it grates easier than mozzarella. So I threw it in the food processor with two ounces of parmesan. It would probably be better with scamorza added, but my readers will have a hell of a time finding scamorza, so I didn't bother.

If you try provolone side-by-side with mozzarella, you'll realize you can get away with this. The flavors are very similar, and they're both gooey when heated.

The Cuisinart cut up the cheese beautifully. I'm just waiting for the dough to rise.

I think people would KILL for a perfect ten-minute pizza. You still have to let the dough rise, roll it out, put the ingredients on it, and bake it, but there's no kneading, you don't have to cook the sauce, and you don't have to grate cheese.

I'm also increasing the dough amount a little, to make a medium-crust pizza, and I added a teaspoon or so of lard to the flour.

I shall report back soon.

More

Oh, the suspense. It's in the oven. Smells incredible.

Done

The pizza was fantastic. The only complaint I have is that provolone exudes a lot more oil than mozzarella. But that's the price you pay for mindblowing convenience.

I think the best possible pizza in the universe would have equal parts provolone and scamorza, with some grating cheese thrown in for added flavor.

The lard made it slightly more like bread. Try it with and without lard and make up your own mind. Disgusting as it sounds, vegetable shortening works fine.

This is a great day for humanity. You CAN make all the ingredients for a perfect pizzeria-quality cheese pizza in ten measly minutes.You can go from a clean kitchen to a hot pizza in ONE HOUR. Thin crust, medium crust, or thick crust. Makes no difference.

I am quite possibly the finest human being who has ever lived. Jonas Salk was a washout compared to me. The entire human race owes me a debt it can never repay.

You losers don't deserve me, for that alone. But I am going to bless you even further. I measured the sauce and cheese I applied, so now I know exactly how much you should put on a pizza. For a 14" pie, you need about 10 ounces (by weight) or 20 ounces (by volume) of grated cheese. That's exactly what Mike told me, by the way. I should have just listened to him. And you need between 8 and 10 ounces of sauce.

I haven't changed the sauce ingredients, except for cutting the garlic back to about one tablespoon, but this time I used the Cuisinart to grind the grating cheese, which was faster and easier.

CHEESE INGREDIENTS FOR QUICK PIZZA

8 oz. (by weight) provolone
2 oz. (by weight) grating cheese, like Grana Padano or romano

Toss it in a Cuisinart with a regular blade and chop it until it's in pieces small enough for pizza. That's IT. Before you throw it in, make sure the provolone is in pieces small enough for a Cuisinart to get ahold of. No bigger than a deck of cards. If the grating cheese is really hard, you may have to cut it in small cubes so it doesn't stop the blades.

Oh, wait. You should put a teaspoon of dry oregano on top of the cheese, and add salt and pepper to taste.

DOUGH INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 cups flour -- high gluten for chewy crust or low-gluten (biscuit flour) for delicate crust
1/2 cup water (75-85 degrees)
1 tbsp. gluten, if you are using high-gluten flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. pepper
2 tsp. sugar
1 generous teaspoon dry yeast
1 tsp. lard (optional)

I'll reiterate the procedure, in its latest incarnation.

For medium crust, scale this up to two cups of flour. For thick crust, double the recipe.

Dissolve one teaspoon of sugar in the water. Add the yeast and stir it in. Set it aside until you see it foaming. Prepare a big bowl by adding a thin layer of flour on the bottom and cutting a sheet of foil or plastic to cover it.

Put the remaining dry ingredients in the processor, along with the lard. Blend everything well. Set a digital timer for two minutes and turn it on. Stand where you can see it. Start the processor and add the yeast mixture. If the dough doesn't glom up so it's mostly in one big ball, keep adding teaspoons of water until it does. Note the time when it gloms, and process for sixty seconds past that time.

Take the dough out and form it into a ball. Plop it on the flour and do whatever you have to do to get it covered. Then cover the bowl and let the dough rise until it doubles in size.

That's it. Just roll it out to 14", with a raised rim on the outside to contain the sauce and cheese, apply sauce and cheese, and bake it. If it's a medium or thick pizza, give it ten minutes to poof up a little before putting it in the oven.

It works. It really does.