This is no Way For a Man to Live

Why am I blogging at 11:13 p.m.? Two reasons. First, I forgot to put my sheets in the dryer. So I have to sit here and wait.

What kind of person only has one set of sheets? Well, let's start with "male." That much is obvious. But even most men have more than one set. It's a long story. A story involving a mattress I got rid of because I hated it, and a new mattress I like much better, and a bunch of old sheets that don't fit the new mattress.

And a guy who is too frigging lazy to go to Bed Bath & Beyond.

The other reason is that I had to take Maynard out for his evening beating. He's sitting on my arm, picking bits of bird dandruff off of himself and tossing them on me.

While I'm sitting here, I'll give you some advice. Don't ever buy a bird that isn't plucked and refrigerated. Marvin talks so much now, I have to write by the pool, and podcasting is impossible. Here's his new thing. Every so often, he spazzes out, a la Tiger Woods, and flies into a wall or an umbrella stand or something. He is always very disturbed after these events, so I pick him up and rub his feathers and ask him if he's okay. And he looks at me like, "Did you SEE that? I was in the UMBRELLA stand! I could have DIED!" And he pants in a tiny bird voice.

So whenever I pick him up and rub his feathers and try to make him feel better, I say, "Are you okay?" And Marvin has decided that "Are you okay?" means "Rub and pamper the fat undeserving bird."

So now whenever Marv feels like a massage, which is about every fifteen seconds, he hollers, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

That's what I have to put up with. Either that, or "YAWNT SOME BIRD TOY?" He made that one up on his own.

About a thousand times a day, I say, "Yeah, I'm okay. Now shut up."

Today Marvin started saying, "ARE YOU OKAY? YEAH, I'M OKAY."

Just now, he said, "You're a fat [unintelligible] crappy bird. What are you doin'? I love you."

I know parrots look cute in the store. But you don't know what you're in for.

If you're already a bird owner, I have some interesting information. I didn't figure it out until fairly recently, although I got my first bird in 1991. If a bird begs for attention and then refuses to leave the cage, it may mean he wants you to grab one of his swinging bird toys and bonk him over and over on the head with it.

Over the last few months, I have come to understand that as much as Marvin enjoys swinging from a bird toy by one foot while flapping his wings and screaming, he likes it even better if I grab a toy and beat him with it. So my new obligation, which I fulfill once or twice a day, is to stand by the open cage thumping Marv energetically with a plastic chain or a ropey toy.

This is not a practice every parrot enjoys. I tried it with Maynard, and he bit me until I quit. Then he said, "I did this without anger. And I stayed away from your crotch." Different strokes.

I wonder if anyone will get the Steve Martin reference. Maynard didn't really say that. Maynard can talk just fine, but he prefers to grunt and squeak.

I think those sheets may be dry now.