Someone Call Jeff Foxworthy

I will not lie. For once. Today the gator-news pickings are somewhat slim. However, a talented chef can make a feast from three stale crackers and half a tub of Country Crock, so here goes.

First off, Reggie the LA gator is back in the news. It is day 327 of Reggie Watch. As you may recall, Reggie has been hiding in a little lake out there for quite some time, and Steve Irwin has promised to try and capture him, provided his wife can produce a newborn in time to use it as bait.

No one can figure out where Reggie is. I know where Reggie is. He's with Tom Cruise. Reggie has become a Scientologist.

Sources tell me Cruise enticed Reggie to watch Scientology films by creating a trail from the lake to the Scientology temple, using bits of his wife's placenta. Then a technician hooked Reggie up to the E-Meter and gave him a free audit, the transcript of which goes something like this:

SCIENTOLOGY LOONY: Okay, tell me about your early sexual experiences. Anything really funny we can use to embarrass you if you leave the church?

REGGIE:

SCIENTOLOGY LOONY: Maybe we should move on to net worth. Got any offshore accounts? Jewelry? Do you have any equity in that lake you live in?

REGGIE:

SCIENTOLOGY LOONY: If we offered to show you a free movie, would you rather see War of the Worlds or Battlefield Earth?

REGGIE: ROAR! SNARL! [Eats Scientology loony]

ISAAC HAYES: Crazy-ass cracker.

JOHN TRAVOLTA: Remember how gay I looked in Grease?

ISAAC HAYES: Who's the green private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

TOM CRUISE: REGGIE!

JOHN TRAVOLTA: We can dig it.

Here's an idea: Get Shorty III: Reggie Eats Chili Palmer.

In other news, some wackjob in Texas has started his own low-budget Steve Irwin park. In a location so barren the story only refers to it as "Southeast Texas." Wal-Mart-greeter-cum-entrepreneur Steve Saurage has invested $250,000 of what is hopefully a bank's money in Gator Country, an attraction by the side of I-10 containing, like, three gators and seven turtles obtained at Petco.

The star attraction is "Big Al," who, at thirteen feet, is the largest gator in captivity. In Texas. That Steve Saurage knows of. At the moment.

Thirteen feet? I crap bigger gators than that.

Talking about the gator-feeding show, the story says, "There's even a monorail by which a staff member will swing out across the gator-filled waters."

Right off, you have to wonder if the reporter knows what "monorail" means. And if it really is a monorail, how did they build it with$250,000? I have this mental picture in my head. A stolen grocery cart on four-by-four tracks, propelled by that famous fat guy who says "Git 'er done." Or maybe an old Pinto body with lots of Bondo and no primer. Recently retrieved from Saurage's front yard. Rendering his in-laws homeless.

I can tell these guys were inspired by Steve Irwin, because Saurage says, "We start our shows with the babies, then we go to where all the four-foot alligators are." Babies. Did you see that? Maybe they should have a Scottish-themed gator show. They could have a fat guy in a kilt wave a baby and go, "Get in Big Al's belleh!"

I'll rewrite a paragraph the way it should have been done in the first place.

Here is the original:

During this portion of the show, Saurage and members of the Gator Country team, with little or no protective gear, will walk out to the end of a surface-level deck and hand-feed the large reptiles, even going so far as to slap the jagged toothed beasts on the snout, mere inches from the possibility of severe injury. There's even a monorail by which a staff member will swing out across the gator-filled waters.

And the corrected version:

During this portion of the show, Saurage and members of the Gator Country team, his band of terrified illegal aliens with little or no protective gear because Mexicans are inexpensive in Southeast Texas, will walk out to the end of a surface-level deck and hand-feed the large reptiles their hands, even going so far as to slap the jagged toothed beasts, i.e. their girlfriends on the snout, mere inches from the possibility of severe injury. There's even a makeshiftmonorail built from PVC pipe and a converted Porta-John stolen from a construction site by from which a staff member terrified Guatemalan will swing out across into the gator-filled waters.

I would have made a great copy editor.

Here's a fun paragraph:

"So far, with the way it's going now, we're doing good. The heat is slowing things down a little bit, but in Southeast Texas, you can't do anything about that. We started our business plan based on two cars an hour. The field trips in May were great, and we've got day cares coming every day."

"Day cares." Tell me you don't love Texas. If your three-year-old isn't savvy enough to run from a gator, to hell with him. This is what Barney is REALLY like, you little fairies. Wake up and smell the coffee.

You have to read this:

Once done with the juveniles, where patrons can feed the reptile hot dogs on fishing line, the tour proceeds to holding pens which house two large alligator snapping turtles. Apart from the Big Al Show, Saurage says that the turtles is a patron favorite. They bear alligator bite marks, and one is missing back feet, courtesy of Big Al.

So evidently Saurage didn't realize the turtles needed their own pen after the first foot came off. It wasn't until Big Al ate the second foot that Saurage began to detect a pattern of bad behavior. He probably thought the first foot fell off because the turtle was molting.

By the way, you cannot imagine what comes out of a reptile after you feed it hot dogs. Don't ask me how I know. If they spread this stuff on the north bank of the Rio Grande, illegal immigration would cease instantaneously.

I guess that's all I need to write today. I thank Steve and his crew for keeping Gator News alive for one more glorious day.