And You Can See it in Real Time

You keep thinking a day will come when the gators stories will dry up for good, and I'll have to burn my keyboard and go get a job at a drive-thru. But you are WRONG, death-roll breath. In this morning's news, gators are even hotter than Kim Jung-Il's malfunctioning Tae Bo Dong.

I think Il needs to create a missile called the Long Duk Dong. It homes in on Molly Ringwald, explodes nearby, and showers her yard with pamphlets reading, "No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need FOOD."

Remember yesterday, how I told you about those guys in Texas who converted an old Hess station into an attraction called "Gator Country"? Well, they're in the news again. The weather cancelled Fourth of July fireworks in nearby Texas cities, but Gator Country came through by providing a display.

Right away, I picture a guy named Junior, in a shirt that says "Beer Belly Under Construction," rushing to Gator Country from a nearby Target, with the bed of his truck full of sparklers and "snake" pellets. And then being sent back because he forgot the matches.

Here's a quote from the owner: "Saurage said he was concerned that the noise might bother their pregnant gators, so they set up the fireworks in a field away from them."

Right away you know these guys are on top of their alligator studies. Last I heard, alligators lay eggs. And how much would you bet there were pregnant Texan humans watching the show? Standing right under the explosions. With beers in their hands.

I'd love to go see this place, except if the owners knew I had been writing about them, they'd shoot me on sight and claim the gators got me.

TEXAS RANGER: I hear you done shot yourself a smartass without a permit.

SAURAGE: Wudn't me. A gator got him.

TEXAS RANGER: In the parking lot?

SAURAGE: See how it left footprints on his rear end?

TEXAS RANGER: 'F I didn't know better, I'd say they was tire tracks.

MANUEL: [an illegal immigrant, in Spanish] Please help me! This man smear me with chicken fat and make the lizard chase me! Then he shoot the fat boy from the Internet!

TEXAS RANGER: What's he say?

SAURAGE: He said "Long live Al Qaeda" and "I messed with Texas."

Here's something interesting. A rare white alligator is going on display in Columbia, South Carolina. In other news, a hardware store near Gator Country has reported the theft of a five-gallon bucket of white interior housepaint.

It's not an albino gator. It has some dark patches. That makes it a "leucistic" alligator, whose nearest human equivalent is Michael Jackson.

This kind of thing makes the TV news in South Carolina. It narrowly edged out a story titled "Beaufort Piggly Wiggly Puts Hog Maws on Sale."

I know you're checking your Visa statement right now to see if you have enough points to get a ticket to Columbia. Spare yourself the expense. The gator's home, Riverbanks Zoo and Garden and Brushless Truck Wash, has put up a webcam page. Any minute now, the chicken-fat-smeared illegal alien will trot through the frame.

I can't see shit. But luckily, they also have a Windows Media file of the penguin tank. I notice the keeper in the background is wearing shorts. Which makes you wonder how much South Carolinians know about keeping penguins happy.

JIMMY RAY: By God, the penguins look peaked.

JOE BOB: What's wrong wiv 'em?

JIMMY RAY: Damned if I know. They ought to be fine. I been feedin' 'em bobbycue all day.

I shouldn't talk. When I was a kid, back in Kentucky, they used to have a place called "The Snake Pit," near Natural Bridge Resort. It was four sheets of vertical plywood, arranged to form a square enclosure, and it had sort of a roof. The guy that owned it threw whatever snakes he came across over the side, and I think he charged you fifty cents to go look. I would be amazed if he ever fed them anything except each other.

I made my mother let me go in once, which did not sit well with her at all. All women in Kentucky are convinced that snakes are the devil. To be more clear, they are convinced that each and every snake, in its own right, is Satan himself. They don't trouble themselves over the question of how every snake on earth manages to be the same person. Ask, and they say "Don't talk like an ungodly heathen."

Last time I saw The Snake Pit, I believe they had a concrete slab and a pretty sign. All they need now is a guy in khaki shorts to go in there and aggravate the snakes by poking them with a baby.

I think I'll conclude with a sad story. A guy in Middleburg, Florida is begging a thief to return his sick alligator.

Reptile rescuer Jason Hoffman came home the other day to find that the gator, "Lucky," had been stolen from his backyard doghouse. Says Hoffman, "Because he had Metabolic Bone Disease, he didn't really have the full strength of a normal gator."

Right away, you have to wonder how a person finds out his alligator has Metabolic Bone Disease. Was he listless? Did he lack his usual enthusiasm for catching a Frisbee? Did he stop eating the neighbor's cats?

How much would you pay for veterinary tests to determine what was wrong with an alligator? Not much, if you think the way I do. Hell, fifteen bucks buys five gallons of peanut oil.

Still, I think it's worth it to find Lucky and study him. With work and a huge government grant, it may be possible to use him to breed a race of tender boneless gators.

If a vet told me my gator had sick bones, I'd go, "Is the skin all right? Is the meat all right? Thank God. Hand me the saw."

Here is how I would deal with bad veterinary gator news.

1. "My gator has cancer? That is too bad. Turn on the grill."

2. "My gator has congestive heart failure? That is too bad. Turn on the grill."

3. "My gator has a fleeting ice cream headache? That is too bad. Turn on the grill."

4. "My gator may become sick at a later date, although there are no indications of illness at this time? That is too bad. See items 1 through 3, above."

If you live near Middleburg, the following text may be of interest:

If you know anything about the case, call our partner First Coast Crime Stoppers at 1-866-845-TIPS.

You will remain anonymous and could receive a cash reward up to $1000.

You can imagine the ethical dilemma Middleburg residents are facing. Be true to your friends, or turn them in and make a down payment on the biggest plasma TV that will fit in your trailer.

Gator news will continue, as long as Google News keeps feeding me fresh fodder.