Pedestrian

While I was in the Bahamas, Marv and Maynard went to stay at the bird resort. This is a well-known local bird store that boards birds for around ten bucks a day.

The bird-store people provide a number of services, including wing trimming, claw trimming, and beak filing. Marv used to let me do all of these things without even wrapping him in a towel and sitting on him, but a few years back he decided he wanted to be fully flighted, so he began spazzing out whenever I tried to clip his feathers.

When I dumped him at the bird spa, he was pretty much airworthy, so I told them to give him a trim when I picked him up. I showed up on Sunday and yanked him out of the cage where they were storing him and turned him over to the trim girl. Then I went and hid behind a rack of bird toys, explaining that I didn't want Marv to think I was in on what was about to happen.

The girl toweled him up and went to work while he screamed bloody murder, and she managed to throw in a beak job and was about to do his toes before I told her to stand down. Then I went over to a visibly shaken Marv and told him I was appalled at their behavior.

It used to be fashionable to trim most of the inner flight feathers on parrots, leaving a couple of outer ones for show. Now the trendy thing is to cut them all, which is sort of like a bird crewcut. That's how they did Marv. Now when he flaps he looks like he's waving two little grey flippers.

I'm very decent about it. I don't tease him. Well, okay, I do yank him out of the cage and watch him flap and say, "You're a flightless bird. A bird that generates very little thrust." He hates that.

Anyway, now I feel a lot better about taking him out when the ceiling fans are on.

Don't feel bad for him. It's not like he was planning to go anywhere. And if he decides to travel, I can always drive him. Parrots aren't really big on flying anyway. If you watch them in the wild, they flap frantically from one place to another, stay there and raise hell for a couple of hours, and then flap to another place. And while they're in flight, they look miserable. Like fat kids forced to run in PE class.

There are some exceptions, like the bigger macaws and cockatoos. But Marv is built a lot like a baseball. When he flies into something, it makes a satisfying thump. He was never intended to fly long distances, except in a box under an airline seat.

Maynard is considerably better set up for flying, with lots of feathers and long, graceful wings. But his main interest is staying close to the food, the toys, and the primate that gives him daily massages. He lets me trim his beak, his wings, and his toes. He loves being fiddled with. He would probably let me give him tattoos.

So anyway, Marv is grounded for the foreseeable future.