Give it a Ride and Then Beat Your Sister With It

Have you ever awakened and turned on your computer and just felt like God liked you?

That's how I feel sometimes when I get up and check the wires for alligator stories.

First up: a nut case in Mississippi is in trouble for catching a gator and giving it a ride on his ATV.

Yes, you read that right. Paul Gerald of absolutely nowhere, Mississippi, was upset that a five and a half foot gator had settled in his catfish pond, with the intention of consuming the inhabitants. Paul wasn't having any of that, so he took his pole to the pond and baited a hook with "a weenie on a cork." Next thing you know, the gator is tied to the ATV and having an enjoyable ride across Gerald's property.

Gerald asked his wife to take a picture of it. She was upset to see that her aging husband had been wrestling alligators. Wonder why. She is still upset today. Don't have to ask why. She's a woman, and she got mad about something, therefore she will remain mad until she dies.

I don't know why Gerald was so gung ho about saving his catfish. I always hear people talk about how great catfish are. Yes, they're great. If you enjoy the taste of mud.

The reason people in the country think catfish taste good is that they do not have the opportunity to taste real fish. They probably think tuna are born in cans.

I've had bass and pike, and I guess it's okay as long as you bring your tweezers to remove the bones while you eat, but the general rule is, freshwater fish is crap. I can go out off Miami and come back with a dolphin that has two-foot, non-fishy-tasting filets that are pure meat. Why would I want to screw around with a cruddy tasting catfish raised on Budweiser caps and cow manure?

The same rule applies to shellfish. Don't get me started on crawfish. Too late. I'm already started. Sure, they taste good. But you have to shell ten dozen to get half a pound of meat. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call "lobster." You could fit five live crawfish inside a hollowed-out lobster tail. While a crawfish eater is busy cutting himself and accidentally flinging tiny slippery crawfish tails into the hair of other diners, a lobster eater can chomp down a pound and a half of meat dripping with drawn butter. And what about stone crabs? I've seen individual claws that were as big as six or seven puny Louisiana crawdads. And they taste terrific.

In short, Gerald should have let the gator eat the catfish and then fixed some fried gator tail.

Gerald got off with a warning. I think the wildlife people realized that once his wife got angry, any punishment they could mete out would pale in comparison to living with her.

As always, the authorities are quoted. I will reproduce their little blurb here, edited for accuracy. The bold text is mine. Isn't that always the case?

"You cannot possess one unless you work for us," said Lt. Col. Steve Adcock, assistant chief of law enforcement for the Mississippi Department of Wildlife, Fisheries and Parks. The only way to possess one is if it is a hunting season and a cites number has been issued (in a lottery for alligator hunters fat guys whose T-shirts don't quite cover their navels) or if you sneak into our office and steal it from the refrigerator.

"We want to stress the fact that the public does not need to attempt to capture an alligator. They--the alligators, not the public--are dangerous critters who tend to be of higher intelligence than the folks who try to subdue them. We do not recommend anybody capturing one. They need to contact our department (800-BE-SMART) and we can send an agent a fat guy there and he knows areas where to relocate them such as his Weber kettle. If you feed an alligator, you're creating a problem that's going to haunt us because it loses its fear of man. Or, if you're Steve Irwin, its fear of screaming babies. It is also important to note that you must not pay for alligator kibbles using food stamps."

The news gets better and better. Yesterday, cops in Colorado Springs found a three-foot caiman guarding an indoor marijuana crop. The caiman belonged to Robert and Sandra Hatcher, two stoners who lived in the rented house and/or weed-a-tarium. The landlord had evicted them, and they were arrested because they came back to steal the refrigerator. Sure. That's where stoners keep their snacks.

You can tell the dope had wreaked havoc on their brains, because they thought a three-foot lizard would deter other stoners from stealing their stash. Fat chance. You know how stoners are. They'd sit cross-legged on the floor and pass the caiman a joint and try to commune with it until it lunged forward and bit off their genitals. Or got high and started begging for Chips Ahoys.

The cops said it was common for stoners to use reptiles to "guard" their dope and pills and so on, and that in previous cases, snakes had had to be euthanized because of their exposure to drugs. I don't get that at all. Are they saying the snakes were tripping? How could they tell? And how high do you have to be to seriously think a snake is going to guard your drugs? A snake will guard a rat like nobody's business, but that's about it.

If you used a three-foot caiman to intimidate me, the net result would be a three-foot-long caimain-shaped stain on your carpet. But maybe they look bigger when you're high on meth or whatever.

If that story wasn't fun enough for you, how about this? Police in Ghana have arrested a man for beating his sister with a stuffed alligator tail. No word no how an alligator tail ended up in Africa. Maybe a gullible American sent it to a spammer as a Kwanzaa present.

Here:

Tema, July 5, GNA - A 35-year-old man, who whipped his sister with a dried alligator tail without any provocation has been jailed 18 months plus a fine of 500,000 cedis by the Tema circuit court "B".

Moses Amanor was convicted on his own plea of guilty to two counts of assault and causing harm and will serve additional six months' imprisonment if he fails to pay the fine.

"Without any provocation." I guess in Ghana it's okay to beat your sister with a dead alligator, as long as you're provoked. As it should be everywhere.

I have to find out what that fine amounts to. Let me check Xe.com.

Oh, boy. This guy is SCREWED. Guess what five hundred grand in colorful Ghan-opoly money adds up to in real cash? Fifty-four dollars and forty-eight cents. He better start spamming.

DEAREST ONE IN CHRIST:

I HOPE YOU WILL NOT BE OUTRAGED OR HUMILIATIONED FOR
TO RECEIVE THIS EMAILS FROM ONE WHICH YOU HAS NOT MET.
BUT I IS WRITING ABOUT A PROFITABLE ENTERPRISE WHICH
SHALL BY JOVE PROFIT US GREATLY.

MY BANK, ROYAL TRUST OF GREATER TEMA PLC BBW BVD,
CONTAINS A FUND BELONGING TO THE ODD FOREIGNER STEVEN
IRWIN WHO WAS KILLED IN A GHASTLY YET WHOLLY PREDICTABLE
ACCIDENT INVOLVING SEVERAL CROCODILES, A FRIGHTENED INFANT,
AND A TRAMPOLINE.

AS A RESULT, WE ARE IN POSSESSION OF $35 MILLION USD CONVEYED
TO MR. IRWIN'S ACCT BY THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

IF YOU WILL POSE AS MR IRWIN'S NEXT OF KIN AND FORWARD THE
SUME OF $54.48 USD AS A PROCESSING FEE, I SHALL TURN OVER 20%
OF THE FUNDS TO YOU TO PISS AWAY WITH GREAT JOY.

PAY NO HEED TO NAUGHTY INDIVIDUALS WHO MAY CLAIM THAT
I AM A SILLY FELLOW IN NEED OF FUNDS TO PAY A FINE FOR BEATING
HIS STUPID COW OF A SISTER WITH THE TAIL OF A DECEASED
REPTILE.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING YOUR REPLY,

DR. MOSES AMANOR, BFD, STFU
TEMA, GHANA

Moses is apparently a bad seed from the word go. Look:

Chief Inspector Martey said on hearing that Amanor slapped their mother, the sister went home and confronted him around 2130 hours but he got offended and beat her with the alligator tail, inflicting multiple wounds on her till she was rescued by passers by. As if not satisfied, Amanor followed the sister and hit her on the head with a stick, which resulted in a big cut.

I'm kind of surprised that a dried alligator tail can inflict that kind of damage. Maybe I should start carrying one for self-defense. I could ward off my sister with it, and once she leaves me in peace, I could use it to make soup.

Hey...in Ghana, I could afford to beat my sister with an alligator tail several times a week! I may just emigrate.

Picture the scene at the Ghana Embassy.

ME: Hi, I want to emigrate to Ghana!

EMBASSY GUY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ME: ?

EMBASSY GUY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ME: Is something wrong?

EMBASSY GUY: You wait! I get my friend Ibrahim! [he runs off and returns with his friend] Okay, now you repeat fonny joke!

ME: I'm totally serious.

EMBASSY GUY: [pulls out dried alligator tail] Get out, naughty man, or I give you fifty dollars' worth!

Believe it or not, there is more gator stuff on the wire, but I am just too tired to write it up.

Enjoy your weekend, and try not to dream of angry stoned lizards.