This is Why Your Ancestors Died at Twelve

Today I'm working on the chapter on how to fight like a pirate. Because injuries were a big risk to pirates who weren't smart enough to attack their enemies from behind, preferably while asleep, I felt it would be good to reproduce some items from a medical manual which a ship's surgeon might have used while patching up wounded buccaneers.

As you might expect, samples follow.

Itemme the firste: Constipaytion. Physick the paytient withe nine quartts of best torpentine and advize him to refrayne from smoking in the privey until the lodgement has passed.

Itemme ye sixth: Dulle paynes of the forehead and temples. Amputaytion. Iffe the paytient is vaine, engayge a carpenter to prepare a false head of oake.

Itemme ye eighth: Venereal complaints. Foule discharges may be stemmed by dryving a heated copper rod up the paytient’s privey member. Advize the paytient to refrayne from further intimate contakt with citizens of France.

Be not vaine and expekt your paytients to recover, for recoverry is prufe certain of bewitchment. Take suche paytients as recover and immerse them in the neareste ponnde. Those that floate back to the surface and resume breathing shall you despatch anon with a hoe or, if hoe be not founde, a sturdy midgett mallet.