Stand by for a Gale

I'm still working on my chapter about pirate romance.

The sexual desperation of pirates and sailors is the reason for myths about mermaids. For centuries, historians and biologists have been telling us mermaid tales were created by lonely seamen who thought they were seeing lovely topless women in the water, but were actually staring at various types of sea cows.

It may be hard to believe that a person could mistake a sea cow, such as a dugong or manatee, for a topless woman. It makes more sense once you’ve seen the kind of women pirates managed to have sex with. For most pirates, switching to sex with sea cows was, at worst, a lateral move.

In some ways, sex with a sea cow was a step up. For example, sea cows don’t expect a lot of irritating extraneous conversation about where the relationship is going.

The down side of sex with sea cows, other than drowning and going to hell, is their terrifying flatulence. Ask anyone who hangs out at a marina. You really have to see it to believe it. But you can imagine the stupid explanations pirates came up with. “Arrrrhh, me sweety barks because she be glad to see me!”

In all seriousness, nothing farts quite as much as a manatee.