It's TODAY

I keep getting emails about Talk Like a Pirate Day.

I appreciate people keeping up with my projects and trying to keep me informed, but I think you should know, the book I'm working on pretty much shits on the TLAP concept. That's the aim. I guess that's mean, but a book reaffirming the notion would be superfluous, not to mention boring.

I really don't get TLAP. I haven't seen the website, unless maybe the page that sells the TLAP book is there. I saw the book's page. I haven't read the book. I don't plan to do so. I don't really need to read it. I'm afraid the whole business is sort of like Renaissance Fairs or SCA events, where gigantic nerds gather to prance around in medieval costumes made from authentic materials like polyester and vinyl. While carrying Blackberries. Surely that can't be right, though. Surely there aren't people who actually get together and dress like pirates and talk like idiots all day.

"Arrrhh, pull me finger!" "Ahoy, no dip! I can't have shellfish!" I just can't see it. Is that fun? Did I forget what fun was like, somewhere down the line? I don't think so. I've had fun, and it was never anything as sad and weird as that.

Apart from not wanting to read the book or website simply because it doesn't sound like my kind of thing, I don't want to be influenced. I want to write what I write and--maybe--THEN look at related works, to make sure I haven't repeated things they've already said.

I guess I'm going to be the pirate antichrist. Everyone else will be dorking around in funny hats and plastic swords, calling each other "matey," and I'll be on the sidelines, flinging boiling dung.

Maybe I'm wrong about the whole thing and people aren't that deranged. Maybe they don't make complete fools of themselves and make all their friends uncomfortable and scare their children. I guess I'll find out.

Anyway, YES, I know about TLAP. Thanks for the emails, but I know. I only wish I had had some idea that September 19th was TLAP Day, because I would never have mentioned the book and invited the flood of information. I can't wait for September 20th, when the weirdness will be over. When the 19th rolls around next year, do me a huge favor and do NOT invite me to your TLAP Day party. I am not going to dress up like a waiter in a cheesy seafood restaurant and come to your house with Marvin on my shoulder. And believe me, if I did, you would regret inviting me. Marv hates parties, and he would shit all over me, and I would refuse to talk like a pirate regardless of how drunk I got. And it would just be...awkward.

I may be a wet blanket, but I'm up-front about it.