Hope he Has Coattails

I worked out on the new exercise bike for the first time. It was a great success. My fat is very concerned.

I was afraid I had gone off the deep end of dumbass when I decided to get a new bike instead of a used one from a gym, but I was fat, my old bike was destroying my ass, and I really needed to make my workouts more convenient and comfortable. And I needed a serious warranty, not some BS unenforceable boilerplate from a creep in a rented warehouse in California. It was definitely a good move. Ordinarily I'm thrilled to blow money on stuff like motorcycle insurance and stereo speakers, but I dread cutting checks for something like medical insurance or having a dermatologist check me for melanoma. I hate spending money on things that are actually important. But this time I forced myself.

I still can't get the damn heartrate sensors to work, so I plan to make myself a giant thorn in Nautlus's ass until they do something about it. They seemed to work for a while, but then I went through a long period when they insisted my heartrate was 194, and since I am not dead, that was probably a false reading.

The ridiculously comfortable seat makes the new bike almost enjoyable to ride. I could see increasing my workouts to an hour and a half. And since I have a publishing deal for my cookbook, I may need to do that. Twice a day.

Now I'm relaxing with my tiny laptop screen on the dining table. I just read about the Borat movie. A Drudge-linked story says Hollywood parasites are bidding like crazy on the next Sacha Cohen movie, because Borat has been a critical smash. And the distribution company is humiliated because they dropped the number of opening-day theaters from 2000 to 700.

As a longtime Borat fan, inducted by longertime fan Moxie, I could have told them Borat would be a success. But it amuses me that they have such high hopes for Bruno.

Bruno is Cohen's gay Austrian-TV personality. He's funny, no doubt about it. But he's not Borat funny. If Borat is a 9, Bruno is a 6. Unfortunately, Hollywood parasites have no idea what funny is. All they know about is past performance, which is why there were 75 Police Academy movies.

These guys think Cohen is undiscovered gold. But they're only partly right. After all, this is his SECOND movie. He made a movie as Ali G, the main character on his cable show. And it grossed around ninety cents. And Ali G is funnier than Bruno. So while I think Cohen will probably work very hard on the Bruno movie and make it a success, the most likely outcome is a big drop from Borat's box-office receipts. If Cohen is smart, he'll ink his third deal long before Bruno hits the theaters. Otherwise, it could turn out to be his Popeye.

I'm interested in the Borat phenomenon, because if you think about it, I'm going to be the Borat of publishing. Like Borat, I assumed an identity and tormented people and made them make fools of themselves. I'm glad to see the public react well to that kind of humor, especially this close to the date of my book's publication.

The big difference between me and Borat is that I don't torture anyone who doesn't deserve it. I think that's the right way to do it. It kind of kills the laughs when people realize you're abusing an innocent person. A tiny voice pipes up in the backs of people's minds and says, "Hey, doesn't that make him an asshole?" When Borat gets morons to sing "Throw the Jew Down the Well," it's a riot, but he really shouldn't have tortured the nice lady who helps people adopt puppies.

When I was trying to sell the Nigerian book, there was talk about expanding from Nigerians to other types of people, but as I pointed out at the time, it isn't right to punish people who haven't done anything wrong. The 419 spammers all deserve to have tow ropes attached to their genitals and be taken for hot air balloon flights around the capital of Nigeria, as a warning to others who would ply their slimy trade. The sight of them dangling a thousand feet above the slums would do the country a world of good. So I'm happy to make them suffer. If I could think of anyone else who deserved it as badly AND was susceptible to my brand of email fraud, I'd do it, but it's hard to come up with targets.

Although as I type this, I can think of some.

I think Borat will do really well, but unless new writers are hired to pump up Bruno, the third Cohen film will be less popular. The problem after that is that you can't make a second Borat film to save the day. Everyone will know who he is. I can torture Nigerians until the end of time, and they'll never figure it out, but when your face has been on a few thousand movie screens, your act doesn't surprise anyone any more.

Here's what Cohen should have done. Maybe he already did this. If not, too bad. He should have made at least two Borat films, up front. Or three. Like Disney did with Prancing Sodomites Pirates of the Caribbean. Then had the first film done well, he could have released the other two in succession.

I guess he could make a Borat film that was completely fictional. That could save the character.

Anyway, I consider it great news that the public likes the genre that much. It should have been obvious from Phil Hendrie's success, but I like seeing it confirmed.

Now, if I can just find a way to get the book some promotion. Maybe Borat's success will help. That would be a godsend.

I got virtually no work done this week, but on Monday, the nose resumes contact with the grindstone. And by Thursday or Friday, I might actually be able to blog and answer email as frequently as I used to.

I still want to kill whoever is polluting the airwaves around here so I can't use my router. But with any luck they'll get brain cancer and die before I take it back to Best Buy.