Budget Pirating Can be Degrading

Working on the parrot chapter of the pirate book. Sample follows.

Don’t feel that even though you can’t afford a parrot, you absolutely have to have a pet of some sort on your shoulder. Because that kind of desperation can lead to really bad choices that will make you look truly stupid at a pirate dinner party or bris. You can’t really grasp the meaning of the phrase “fashion faux pas” until you see a man in a pirate suit, who has decorated his shoulder with an angry wiener dog. And it just sounds wrong when you say things like, “Polly want a Snausage?"

You definitely want to avoid monkeys. I know you saw one in a Johnny Dipp—I mean “Depp”—movie, but that was a stage monkey sitting on a massive Thorazine suppository held in with DuPont 5200 monkey-proof marine adhesive. Or a midget. With a smaller suppository and maybe less glue. Due to union rules.

Real monkeys spend the whole day accurately flinging substances most people would be afraid to touch even with nitrile hazmat gloves. If you don’t want to touch it, you definitely don’t want it flung in your face, rubbed in your hair, or pushed in your mouth during a prolonged yawn.