Johnny Dipp, Exposed

Wrote a new chapter for the pirate book today. It's about famous pirates.

Excerpt:

Unfortunately, the most famous pirate of all time will probably turn out to be Jack Sparrow, the makeup-wearing hermaphrodite of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I may as well give you some background on him.

Born in San Francisco, Jack Sparrow got to know his first pirates while working as a towel boy in a waterfront bath house. He went on to get an associate’s degree in cosmetology and become wig master at a popular seaside cabaret, but he never stopped dreaming of the salt air and the sensation of hot rum-scented breath on the back of his neck.

Sparrow eventually joined a pirate crew, even though his family protested that it was crazy to take a position as a cabin boy at the age of 37. He saved his doubloons, and he earned extra income in the ship’s rec room, teaching shiatsu and modern dance. By the time he was 40, he was able to purchase his own ship, which he christened with his nickname for his Grenadian companion Renaldo: the Black Pearl.

Sparrow’s ship was stolen by his first mate while he was ashore in Manhattan, auditioning for the part of Linda Low in The Flower Drum Song. It was at this time that he realized his theft of some Aztec gold had left him cursed with a curious brand of immortality. He resolved to break the curse, but in the meantime, he made the most of his immunity to venereal disease.

You know the rest of the story.