Without Butter, Life is Pointless

Here is today's important message. Are you ready? I know you thought I was going to write about my amazement that even Fox News is letting Democrats blame George Bush for the Korean and Iranian nuke problems, which can be traced directly to Clinton and Carter, but I'm not. I have something bigger on the front burner. And here it is.

MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN COOKIES.

Yesterday, on impulse, I bought a couple of packages of Nestle's cookie dough and baked them. And they were okay. Sort of. But the flat, disgusting taste of vegetable oil was unmistakable. Chocolate chip cookies need butter. End of story. Butter is like MSG; it somehow accentuates the flavors of other ingredients in food. Vegetable oil is more like Vaseline.

It takes approximately three minutes to make cookie dough from scratch. You just beat the eggs, throw the other ingredients in, and stir. If you're too lazy to do that, you deserve to eat vegetable oil.

When I think about it, it amazes me that people buy store cookies. I can understand not wanting to make weird, complicated cookies. But chocolate chips? Come on. A homemade cookie will taste better than a Chips Ahoy even if you drop it and forget that it's under your bed for a week. Don't ask me how I know. The bizarre brand of staleness store chocolate chip cookies get is so foul, it can't be duplicated at home.

Wally Amos is rich because he realized a cookie made with normal ingredients would taste exponentially better than a chemical cookie, even if it sat in a bag for days before you ate it. And your cookies will be a lot better than his. And they'll be hot.

In other news, Chris Muir is outdoing himself with utterly weird illustrations for the pirate book. I wish I could put them all on this site as they come out. Because the illustrations are coming out so well and the writing is breezing along, I think the book is going to be funnier and better than I expected. I just hope people buy it. It's really hard for my brain to tolerate the notion that the American public is excited about pirates.

I'm not posting a cookie recipe. Just about any recipe will do. Just make sure it has butter in it, and a little salt. And vanilla.

That's all I feel like writing at the moment. Happy Columbus Day, by the way. Let's all salute the biggest pirate of all.

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Check this out. From the Nestle's site: "MARGARINE (PALM OIL, WATER, SUNFLOWER OIL, HYDROGENATED COTTONSEED OIL, SALT, VEGETABLE MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES, SOY LECITHIN, SODIUM BENZOATE, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, BETA CAROTENE COLOR, VITAMIN A PALMITATE ADDED)."