Retroactively

Tragedy has struck.

I stuck a lump of stuffing on a plate with some gravy and started nuking it. Then I laid out two perfect slices of cruddy, mushy, delicious Dandee bread. And I went and got the turkey. And I opened the fridge and WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I was out of Miracle Whip.

I had to breathe into a paper bag for a while.

I decided to make the best of it and use Hellmann's. MAN, was it disgusting. Really awful. Hellmann's has its uses, but on leftover turkey with Dandee bread, it tastes like Crisco and salt.

But I ate it anyway.

I can't believe how foul it was. I may throw my Dandee bread out. Or keep it in the bag and use it as a boat fender.

More

This is for all you mindless supporters of mayonnaise, AKA "the French spread," AKA "Vichy Surrender Lube."

This little piggy cried "OUI! OUI! OUI!" all the way home.

Here is what real American men put on their white-bread-and-turkey sandwiches: