In Development

I think I managed to fix my pizza up so it's reasonably healthy, without destroying the flavor.

Here is what I did.

I got myself some cruddy boiled shrimp for $4.99 a pound. The store always boils its shrimp when it starts to look funky, and cruddy shrimp is fine for pizza topping. I bought the cheapest brand of crabmeat known to humanity. And I got myself some fresh-ish sea scallops. I also bought a can of pitted black olives and three peppers. Two green and one red.

Came home and sliced the peppers in the Cuisinart. This is actually a good tool for the purpose, even though I am addicted to the Cuisinart regardless of consequences. It slices pretty thin, which makes the pizza better. I had to use a knife for the onion.

I sliced the scallops and shrimp into thin pieces, and I salted and peppered the scallops because they were raw and probably bland. I sliced the goddamn olives. I could not find sliced black olives, but I know GFS has them in huge jars.

I made a crust using 3/4 cup whole wheat flour, 3/4 cup all-purpose flour, two tablespoons of olive oil, and the other crap I usually use. It came out beautifully, by the way. I wouldn't use whole wheat in a cheese pizza, because it would dominate the other stuff, but it's great with toppings. I didn't use 100% whole wheat because the flour package said it was a bad idea, but I'll try it next time anyway.

I slopped a handful of each topping on the pie, after the usual sauce and cheese foundation had been laid. I also sliced 4 big garlic cloves in huge chunks and threw them around the pie, for the cholesterol-fighting properties and also that wonderful garlic stench. I covered the pie with cheese, added oregano and salt, and baked. I probably had 3/4 of a pound of seafood on there. I think I should have baked for 8 minutes instead of the usual 7, but that's a minor thing.

It was truly excellent. And relatively healthy. Granted, it has a billion calories, a lot of salt, and too much white flour. But it's loaded with vegetables. It has olive oil, which does good stuff for you. It has fresh garlic. Seafood loaded with Omega-3s. Tons of lycopene, which fights heart disease and several cancers. And hopefully, the fiber in the crust (12 grams) will make you poop.

I don't give a crap about the fat and cholesterol. I think cholesterol is a myth, and the fat in this pie is olive oil and fish fat and butterfat, which I trust implicitly.

Instead of my usual vat of Coke, I drank chilled Carlo Rossi Paisano from a tumbler, the way an actual Italian might. I don't think of it as wine. I think of it as Italian Kool-Aid. Very, very nice with pizza. And it has all that good red wine crap in it.

I think I can survive this pizza. And it's painless. Even though I pushed it in the direction of health, it's still 9000 times better than any pizza I can get around here.

Here's a surprise. I used a little Sargento shredded cheese on it, because I was worried I didn't have enough GFS cheese. My earlier experiences with store cheese had been pretty bad, but this stuff was excellent. Maybe my earlier cheese problems had more to do with bad sauce and lame crust than bad cheese. Sometimes one bad ingredient makes other good ingredients seem off.

No, my older pizzas sucked ass, and the cheese was lame. I remember them now. I don't know what the story is, but Sargento pre-shredded whole-milk low-moisture mozzarella makes a nice pizza.

I considered ramming some spinach in there, but it's loaded with oxalates which cause kidney stones, and I don't feel like peeing another boulder this year.

If you're as hopelessly addicted as I am, maybe this recipe will help you remain alive another year. Give it a shot.

I need a stogie.