I Told You So

I wasn't able to check out the video of Meredith Vieira offering to let Madonna kiss her. I guess you saw the link on Drudge's site. MSN wanted me to download some sort of software that probably enables Bill Gates to use my monitor as a camera and see me naked, so I refused to fool with it.

But I have to ask. How skanky IS Meredith Vieira? I still remember the fuss she caused when she posed for a magazine in her underwear. A lot of Americans thought it was undignified, and the rest were upset that it was Meredith Vieira and not someone really attractive.

I finally figured out who she reminds me of. Are you ready? Willem Dafoe. Except he doesn't look as oily and creepy. She always looks like she really needs a shower. A quality she shares with Madonna.

According to IMDB, she is 54 years old. Being skanky in your thirties is bad. In your fifties, it's unforgivable.

The whole story has put me off my feed. What's next? Matt Lauer spooning with Gary Glitter?

As for Lauer, no matter how long he works in his second career as a journalist, and no matter how butch his haircut gets, I will always remember him as an astoundingly feeble actor on the atrocious HBO series Not Necessarily the News in which he was routinely overshadowed by the monumental talent and stage presence of...Stuart Pankin.

Yes, Stuart Pankin. A guy who probably does puppet shows at malls now.

Who else do I hate today? How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? I told you this guy was an idiot, didn't I? Way back when GOP women were visibly sexually aroused over the way he pulled off that idiotic, shortsighted recall. I said he was a schmuck when he was young, and that he was probably a schmuck now. Well guess what? He just proved me right again. He plans to tax doctors and hospitals so illegal aliens can have free health care.

Explain to me again how this turd is the hope of the Republican party.

The one great thing about this is that he's sticking it to doctors, who are overwhelmingly liberal. Suck on it, jerkweeds. You brought this on yourselves.

It's kind of funny. Doctors screw themselves in a big way by being liberal. Lawyers, on the other hand, support Democrats because Democrats keep them rich. And all this time, I thought doctors were supposed to be smarter than lawyers. I guess you can't be too smart if you go to college for ten years to get a job where you have to stick your finger up twenty or thirty asses a day.

God, I hate a urologist with big hands.

The more insane the world gets, the more determined I am to move to Frostproof, Florida, and build a walled compound. I don't need the world any more. I can buy anything I want on the Internet, including love, and I finally know how to make my own pizza.

That's where I see myself in three years. Relaxing on my screened-in porch with a 19-year-old Thai bride with the word "porn" in her first name. Like little Supaporn here. Actually, she's a little old for me. Not as old and skanky as Meredith Vieira, but definitely marginal.

I wonder how Willem Dafoe would look in a wig. Well, I guess I already know.

There was also a girl named Nattaporn on that site, but she was too fat.

I'd give illegals something free. By that I mean bus fare.

All you Arnold worshipers have to kiss my feet now and admit I was right. Get cracking.

After that, go see Sondra K. and see what she has to say about Fabio Barack Obama.