Wanted: Experienced Waterboarders

I'm working on the book again today, as you might guess. The deadline comes up in six weeks, and I really want the book to be better than the self-published version. I'm hoping I can replace all the weak chapters by then.

I'm just plain dumping some items. I'm not sure why I wrote an entire chapter on mashed potatoes, but that has to go. And instead of writing so much about how fattening and deadly the food is, I'm sticking more parody in the book. Most humorists can't write parody, and I really enjoy it (as Huffington's Toast readers recall), so I think it's a very good idea to use a lot of it. Hopefully, it will set me apart from the herd. I'm trying to come up with an excuse to do a chapter in the style of Hunter S. Thompson; that would be tremendous fun.

I see the whole world is piling on poor old Joe Biden, for his comments on Barack HUSSEIN! HUSSEIN! HUSSEIN! Obama. I'm apolitical now, so I won't take sides. In fact, I'm going to defend Biden, because he was misquoted. Here's what they claim he said:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”

Typical mainstream media drive-by. Here's what he really said.

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking colored guy.”

Biden went on to compliment Obama on his outstanding vertical leap and said it wouldn't bother him at all if Obama came up behind him while he used an ATM.

Look, it's not like we're dealing with a venomous bigot like Ross Perot, who slurred black Americans with the vicious epithet "you people." We're talking about a sensitive liberal politician here, with a long track record of being photographed with his hands actually touching negroes. We're not talking about a closet Klansman like George Bush, who oppresses black people by appointing them Secretary of State.

Like Rosie O'Donnell said, "Ching chong ching, give it a rest."

Wasn't Trump supposed to sue her for defaming his hair? What's holding that up?

I wonder what happens to that combover during sex. Does it come completely unhinged and flap like a screen door in a hurricane? Imagine the visual effect as it opens and closes. Donald Trump! Ron Howard! Donald Trump! Ron Howard!

I think Rosie should apologize and buy his barber some Dippity-Doo and a new guide bowl and be done with it.

In other news, I have decided that I am a catch. The other day I talked to a woman about her experiences with dating services, and I realized that as much as I criticize women, most modern men are bona fide mutants. For one thing, a surprising percentage of men now think it's a good idea to try to stimulate interest by exposing their penises on or even before the first date. Sometimes in a public place, and I am not referring to the driveway of the Clinton White House.

I think this idea comes from men's tragic tendency to assume that women think the way they do. If I went on a date and while we were walking to a restaurant the woman pulled down her panties, pulled her dress up to her shoulders, and said, "I thought you might want to give this the once-over before we continue," even if I didn't cave in later and have sex with her, I'd feel more lucky than offended. Oddly, women are not like that. For women, the penis isn't the goal. It's something you have to deal with to get to the goal. Which is usually a house.

For another thing, some men talk about themselves for like two straight hours, hoping to impress a woman. Unfortunately, we tend to say things that would impress other men, like, "I can chug beer really fast," or, "I make my own hand grenades."

It's not really fair for women to criticize men for talking about themselves, because what does every woman's mother tell her? "If you want a man to like you, make him talk about himself." We can't be blamed for going along with it. The dress-on-the-shoulders strategy probably works better, but the only woman whose mother told her that is apparently Paris Hilton.

I think dating services attract two kinds of people. Women who want to get married, and men who know that women who want to get married put out. It's a funny world. Men can't find decent women because of all the impostors who only want money, and women can't find decent men because we're all pretending to be sensitive so we can slide into home and then run away at four in the morning. Maybe Eharmony has it all wrong. Maybe questionnaires don't work. Maybe truth serum is the answer.

I think I'm going to start a dating site where all the participants have to agree to be shot full of pentothal and then interrogated about their real intentions while being videotaped. I think you would see a lot of videos of "sensitive" guys in sweaters saying things like, "I just want someone to share my life with and SHOW MY PENIS TO WHILE WE WAIT FOR OUR ENTREE."

It kind of amazes me that I've been rejected as much as I have. Not because I'm great, although that is definitely true, but because you would think women would be like Titanic survivors swimming around in search of anything that floats.

But if I woke up one day and life were not completely perverse, I would assume I was having a bad dream.

I'm so glad I decided to die alone in squalor with two parrots.

I think I covered all my talking points. Relax and await my return.