2000-Year Racket Comes to an End, Thanks to Hollywood

I thought James Cameron had done enough damage to the Western World by advancing the career of Leonardo di Caprio, but I guess I was wrong. Now he wants to torpedo the career of Christ.

I'm sure you all saw the Time Magazine story on the web. Cameron has decided that ten coffins found in a Jerusalem tomb 27 years ago belong to Jesus and his family, including his wife, who just happens to be The Da Vinci Code's Mary Magdalene.

Tomorrow he's holding a press conference in New York, of all places. Not sure what New York has to do with Christianity. There are a lot of Teamsters there; maybe Cameron is going to announce that one of the coffins also holds Jimmy Hoffa.

Geraldo Rivera must be furious. When he dug up Al Capone's vault, all he found was an old pop bottle. Wait; maybe Jesus drank from that bottle. While playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Hoffa and Judge Crater.

Here is what we're supposed to believe. Jesus, who was a pretty popular and well-known guy ("Guy"? Do I capitalize that?) even in His own time, managed to marry, have kids, die, and be buried in the biggest city in Israel--WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING. Oh, yeah, that's a good theory. That whole crucifixion thing...that was a hoax, made up years after Jesus died from old age, and the whole city of Jerusalem, including hostile Jews and Romans, was in on it, and they kept it quiet to this day. Because...okay, I haven't figured that part out yet. Probably because the Catholic church was already heavily into real estate and didn't want anyone messing with it.

Obviously, even to non-Christians I hope, Cameron is full of shit. Why is he doing this? Hmm...I may know the reason. I just checked IMDB, and his career has been floating in George Clooney's septic tank since 2002. That's when Solaris--Clooney's answer to Ishtar--came out. Since then, he has only done one movie (the near-Oscar-miss Expedition Bismarck) and has even had to do TV.

That's the explanation! Cameron's is the classic cry of the petulant atheist, recast in Hollywood terms: if there is a God, why is there evil and suffering in the world, specifically in the form of former Hollywood golden boys having to produce documentaries for DVD? If there is justice in the universe, how come Steven Spielberg's house is bigger than mine?

I don't know if that's the reason or not, but this Jesus thing is a sad and desperate plea for attention. And how come Hollywood always goes after Jesus? How come there are no movies making fun of Buddhists or the Mormons or the Muslims? Listen, no religion is sillier than Buddhism. Essentially, the idea is to be smug and condescending and treat everyone else like children and pretend nothing bothers you. When other people get upset about things like having cancer or being on fire, you sit in the lotus position and give them a shit-eating grin and remind them that you got over your fear of fire three thousand years ago, when you were a pubic louse in a burning mattress.

I think it would be tremendous fun to do a documentary where I go around annoying the living shit out of prominent Buddhists, until they snap and try to strangle me on camera.

STEVE: [flicks Swami's ear]

SWAMI: [smiling benevolently] You must look deep into your soul and ask yourself why you try to rob another of his peace.

STEVE: [puts index fingers two millimeters from Swami's face] I'm not touching you! Look! I'm not touching you!

SWAMI: [grins patiently] I am a polished pebble on the bottom of a cool, rushing brook.

STEVE: [grabs Swami's hand and smacks him in the face with it over and over] Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Look, everybody! The Swami can't stop hitting himself!

SWAMI: [takes me by the throat] God DAMN you to HELL! I'M GOING TO TEAR OUT YOUR WINDPIPE AND EAT IT!

I love watching Buddhists on TV. It turns out that Buddhism is like strip-mall tae kwon do. There are levels of enlightenment, like belts. And there are a few people who are so cool and enlightened and unbelievably condescending that they actually make a living going around being put on display for pathetic loser wannabuddhas. It's really funny, because if there were anything to Buddhism at all, it wouldn't be competitive.

Evidently, when you become a condescension black belt, they tack the suffix "ji" on the end of your name, like "Gandhi-ji," that pillar of enlightenment. Who considered black people inferior. But let's not get into that.

Here's what a typical Buddhist road-show appearance is like.

Local Buddhist Bigwig: [speaking in a very even tone, because you have to do that or the other Buddhists will titter over your non-enlightenment] We have a special guest with us today. Fresh from an engagement at Richard Gere's semi-annual Celebrity Turks and Caicos Karma Cruise, here is your favorite great soul and mine, Lulu Jenkins. Better known as Lulu-ji.

[people applaud while trying not to look excited]

Lulu-ji: That was totally...unnecessary, yeah? Okay. [grins like she just put down the opium pipe]

Wannabuddhist 1: [first in line to kiss the enlightened posterior] Lulu...

Lulu-ji: Lulu-JI.

Wannabuddhist: Lulu-JI...it's so great that you're here, although I know temporal things like fame are of no importance, and even though I brought you a meditation cushion with your face embroidered on it, it doesn't mean that I'm, you know, caught up in worldly...

Lulu-ji: ...of course.

Wannabuddhist: ...and then I'd be...

Lulu-ji: Right.

Wannabuddhist: Right. And I don't even have to say, because you already know, and I know, too, although you're like a thousand times more enlightened than me, and...

Lulu-ji: Right. Mm hmm. Yeah, it's...[she has a zen moment and stops talking; group grin]

Wannabuddhist: Will you autograph my swadhisthana chakra?

Local Buddhist Bigwig: [evenly and calmly] Okay. Now we'll have security remove you from the ashram.

Lulu-ji: I'm breathing really well today, yeah? Air is so...mm hmm. Yeah.

I don't know if I really captured it. The basic idea is to pretend that you're all tuned in to the same soothing Buddhist Sirius channel no one else can hear. Why doesn't James Cameron make fun of that? You don't have to dig holes in Jerusalem to make fun of Buddhism. All you have to do is interview Steven Seagal and Tina Turner.

The Cameron project is laughable and pathetic, but I know people who already have it in for God will swallow it hook, line, and sinker. All I can tell you is, if you pray and read the Bible and do your best to have faith, you will eventually see convincing evidence that Jesus is exactly who He said He was. If you're stupid enough to let Hollywood goofballs give you spiritual instruction, heaven would have been wasted on you anyway.