God Help Her

People keep telling me Rachel Lucas is back. I finally decided to go and look.

Here is her guide to online dating, for men. Oddly, it says pretty much what I would have written. Although I would have added some things.

1. Do not EVER say "I am a people person." It is conclusive proof that you are an idiot. You read other people's profiles and steal their lame, trite catchphrases. And you are not a people person. You are a sex person. May as well admit it. Ninety-five percent of men on dating sites are there to have casual sex with women they will later abandon. The other five percent are Nigerians.

2. Do not not NOT pose with your really cool car. Or, worse, your buddy's really cool car. Just don't. I will kill you if you do this.

3. Do not pretend to be sensitive. We all know you just want to get laid, and the women just want husbands so they can get pregnant. Let's all be up front about our shallowness and how little we care about each other.

4. Shut up about how much you love cats. To 98% of men, a cat is a tool for developing your punting skills.

5. Don't try to be witty. Because you aren't. Women don't want witty men anyway. They want men who will make other women envy them. Try to be rich and good-looking.

6. Look, just go get a prostitute instead. By the time you get done scamming women and paying for dinners, you'll wish you had just gotten a hooker in the first place. I know what you'll say. "I've never paid for it in my life." SURE you haven't. Take a look at your Visa statement some day, Mr. Babe Magnet.

And don't ever feel bad about paying an online service for dates. Don't ever think people who use dating services are losers. They ARE losers. But people who get dates the old-fashioned way are losers, too.

Anyway, Rachel is back.