Stack Those Lawn Jockeys Over by the Cabana for Now

I'll tell you what. I am starting to think the grocery store is the best place to get vegetable seeds.

Right now, I have something like a dozen items planted, and the only things that have sprouted are seeds from Santa Sweets tomatoes and Scotch bonnet peppers, both from the grocery. Meanwhile, my Fatali peppers, Tobago seasoning peppers, Mortgage Lifter tomatoes, and Thai peppers are sitting on their ass, doing nothing.

I planted the Santa Sweets this weekend, and I already have four nice sprouts. And the Scotch bonnets are looking good. So where are my other plants?

It's not like I treated the successful seeds well. I found the Scotch bonnets in a drawer in the fridge, where they were starting to grow beards. And I didn't even dry the Santa Sweets seeds. I just jammed them in the dirt.

The bean situation is even worse. Those seeds aren't germinating, on account of I left them lying in the parking lot at Home Depot. Yes, that is correct. I bought two huge pots for peppers, I got like half a ton of potting soil, and I threw Kentucky Wonder seeds on top of the shopping cart. And I guess they fell off my other stuff when I threw the dirt into the SUV.

It doesn't really matter if the Thai peppers grow, because they're the wrong kind. I accidentally bought an ornamental variety described as "edible, too!" I am not going to be satisfied with "edible." Cardboard is edible.

It turns out there are a number of varieties of Thai peppers, and the one you really want is called prig ki nu or the Thai birdseye pepper, or the mouse-poop pepper. And seeds are hard to find. There is an African birdseye pepper that looks exactly the same, but I don't know if it's the same pepper. Anyway, I had to get on the Internet and Google up some new pepper seeds. And they are a bitch to find.

There is another pepper called the Thai dragon, but I am very suspicious of it, because Thai cooking sites seem really excited about the prig ki nu peppers, but they don't say a hell of a lot about Thai dragon peppers. My suspicion is that the dragon peppers are some sort of marketing creation. Also, the dragon peppers come in hybrids and heirlooms, and the hybrids are easier to get, and I would rather not have hybrids, because I would like the option of saving seeds.

On top of all this, I am experiencing confusion and angst about the sizes of the plants. Some plants get to be four or five feet tall and maybe two and a half feet wide. Others are about the size of a 20" TV. I had to spend an hour finding out which ones were which size. Otherwise I would have ended up with tiny plants in huge pots and huge plants in tiny pots. And that would not do.

This is not the end of my gardening woes. Oh no, friends. Remember the bell pepper plant I put in a hanging bucket? It was drowning because the Miracle-Gro gardening soil I stuck in the bucket didn't drain fast enough. So I had to extract five gallons of wet, smelly dirt from the bucket and replace it with Miracle-Gro potting soil. And what do you do with five gallons of wet dirt? Damned if I know. I threw it off the patio and let it land where it might. So right there I wasted like three precious dollars.

Also, my basil looks pale. My guess is that the torrential rain has gotten on its nerves. It can't be anything else. It's in the blazing sun, in magical Gucci dirt full of nutritious unnatural chemicals. What more could it want?

I'm not too worried. Last night, there was a freakish development. It didn't rain all over the place. Maybe we're getting some relief. Damn, this drought is a pain.

My cousin, whose mom grew white half-runners for shuck beans, thinks I could get a reasonable crop from a six- or eight-foot square plot. I might do it. Hard to say. This might be a good use for the forbidden land over the septic tank drain field. I am considering throwing some papayas and bananas in there because they have shallow roots, but beans would work. And boy would they piss off my idiot neighbors. "What are those? 'Beans'? Impossible. Beans come from a can. Can't you plant something that won't bring property values down? What? You're planning to make a planter out of a tractor tire and buy a fleet of lawn jockeys and witch balls on pedestals? Fine reward this is, for waking you up every morning and having loud parties."

If other people can have garden gnomes, I can have lawn jockeys. Don't worry; they'll be tasteful. I'll make sure the fleet is diverse. I'll have a couple of trashy Caucasian lawn jockeys with beers in their little hands, three or four American Indian lawn jockeys holding signs saying "Forty Miles to Seminole Bingo," a couple of lesbian lawn jockeys with flattop haircuts, and the rest will be painted to resemble Barack Obama. I'll have to buy concrete to make my own ears.

Maybe I'll have male and female Caucasian lawn jockeys and pose them having a domestic violence beef. Then at the side of the yard I could have little Reno 911 lawn jockeys racing in to mace them.

I'll flesh it out later.

I know this sounds like a big production, but in Miami a yard full of fruit trees is normal, and they require almost no work. And a few tomatoes and peppers won't be much aggravation, once they're set up.

Look, I'm trying to convince myself that this isn't a new hobby. That it won't be a lot of work, and that I wasn't crazy to start. Leave me alone and let me enjoy myself before reality sets in. I've been stiff-arming it for decades, so one growing season should be a piece of cake.