I Feel Like Offending People
You Pee it, We'll Pimp It
I just saw a reference to "manlaws" on the web. Can I ask a question that has really been eating at me? Remember the Miller Lite "Man Law" ads? Tell me something. How can anyone suggest, even as a joke, that we pay any attention to "Man Law" made by five guys who DRINK PISS?
And Triple H...he married the boss's daughter! Man Law...brought to you by a BITCH-MADE MAN. Does that even make sense?
Eddie Griffin...he's such a wuss he can't drive a manual transmission. He plowed a gorgeous Ferrari into a wall because he's a pansy! "Man Law"? How about Men Who Should Let Their Wives Drive Law?
Don't even get me started on Burt Reynolds. He doesn't just have a wig. He has a WIG COLLECTION. Why not just call it "Wigmaster Law"? And have you seen him lately? Burt Reynolds can't tell other people how to drink beer, because if Burt Reynolds drank a whole beer, he would DIE. I don't know if he has AIDS or anorexia or tapeworms or tuberculosis or what, but he for damn sure isn't going out every night with the boys and playing "quarters". He looks better than he did a few years back, but when he stands between the camera and the sun, you can see through his chest.
Supposedly, they made a law about not putting fruit in beer. Okay, first of all that doesn't apply to Miller Lite (or any Bud product) because corn and rice lager is not beer. It's more like flavored seltzer. But let's let that go and move on to a more important fact. SOME OF THE GREATEST BEERS IN THE WORLD HAVE FRUIT IN THEM.
Jesus, have you ever had a lambic? Or a delicious wheat beer with fruit added? It's magnificent. I'm supposed to give that up for a bunch of showbiz sideshow freaks who drink canned piss? You're joking, right?
No wonder Miller killed the ads. They were stupid, and the Miller people were probably afraid Burt would try to lift a beer by himself and rupture something.
I admit, the commercials were entertaining. The worse a beer is, the better the commercials. But still, stupid.
I think you all owe me one, because I've decided to try not to tear into the Half-Assed News Hour this week. Too awful much. I didn't see it this week, but Moxie claims it was actually worse than usual. I'm sure she wouldn't lie, but how do you make something worse than "The Little Engine That Couldn't Quite" and "Don't Tell Mama, I'm for Obama"?
Actually, she told me some of the jokes, and it was as though she was making things up, spoofing the spoof. But she was serious. It was almost creepy.
My God, what buffoons and idiots. They've been doing this show for a YEAR now, including development. A SOLID YEAR. That it continues to be bad at all is amazing. But for it to get worse? That is prima facia evidence of a bona fide curse straight from the throne of God. If I were Joel Surnow, I would be on the lookout for a plague of frogs pretty soon.
How can it get worse? Are they even trying? Is Joel Surnow a liberal mole, deliberately being unfunny and off-putting and disturbing, in order to help Piano Legs win the White House?
I'll help them. I'll write some quick sketches. How about "Liberal Law"? Michael Moore, Babs Streisand, Janeane Garofalo, and maybe Ed Begley, sitting around an IKEA table, making laws like, "It's not okay to put fruit in the beer, but you can put beer in a fruit." I don't know. I'm just brainstorming here.
A liberal blogger somewhere was crapping on .5HNH and Red Eye, and he claimed .5HNH wasn't funny because it never picked on conservatives. I think that's a valid point, although it's unfunny mainly because the writers and director and actors have no talent. If you can't laugh at Rush Limbaugh making his Little Brown Person maid score drugs for him, or at Bill O'Reilly telling a producer he wants to get in the shower with her and soap her big fat tits, or at George Bush nearly being taken down by a rogue pretzel, you need some kind of ass-loosening surgery. Maybe I should revive Huffington's Toast and live up to the failed promise of Huffpo and Pajamas Media by being truly nonpartisan, reaming idiots on both sides of the aisle.
I'm kind of doing that here, anyway.
And I guess I crapped on .5HNH after all.
Here's a Man Law for you. Don't drink piss and pretend it's beer. Or we'll put you in a Ferrari with Eddie Griffin and tell him to take you on the freeway.
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