Let me Get You a Fresh Seat Cover

I guess some people will wonder what I think about Republican Senator Larry Craig, being arrested in a men's room for trying to score gay sex. And pleading guilty, and being convicted.

My only question is, are there any heterosexual Republicans in Congress? We had the Foley thing and now this, and then there was Florida State Representative Bob Allen, the GOP McCain croney who got nailed begging to perform oral sex on a male cop. Are you actually REQUIRED to be gay in order to be a Republican now?

The thing that makes the biggest impression on me is the total lack of romance. Apparently gay men are completely devoid of the romantic urge. If you can get excited about sex with a dirty stranger--especially one who looks like Bob Allen or Larry Craig--in a filthy, pee-smelling, fart-filled men's room, there are probably hogs that are more romantic than you.

Geez, guys. At least put out some candles. Maybe some incense. A little Kenny G. on a boombox. And maybe take the time to wash your privates at the sink. That's only common courtesy.

I'll bet my female readers are with me on that last one.

I don't even like to touch public toilet seats with my foot. How guys like Craig and Allen can put their faces right in them to pleasure male cops is a total mystery to me.

I'm also amazed that I got to be over forty without realizing there was a gay foot-tapping code. Craig got caught because he sat in a stall and started tapping his feet. It turns out men's-room-foot-tapping is gay code for "I'm in the Mood for Love." How could I be this old and not know that?

Oh, wait. I went to private schools for most of my youth. I probably missed out on the big assembly at my local public high school, where they explained how to get gay sex without making a scene.

For the rest of my life, I'm going to listen for foot-tapping every time I go into a men's room. How can I not?

I guess I've heard it before but didn't notice. I probably thought whoever was doing it was just happy. Like maybe he was celebrating getting over constipation.

What this proves is that men are really REALLY not like women. It shows what romantic life in most homes would be like if men called the shots. "Honey, as long as you're already on the toilet, blowing your nose on the floor and squeezing that giant boil..."

Oh, God. I think I'm going to be sick. I almost want a sex change. But then I wouldn't be able to do math in my head or parallel-park.

To me, gay sex is like marijuana. If I wanted it, I would have absolutely no idea how to get it. I would have to take gay lessons. Which, again, are ordinarily given at public high schools, or, in the current era, in second or third grade.

That foot-tapping thing is crazy. Gay men must have adored Gregory Hines. "Ooh, he's so FRISKY! Look how bad he WANTS it!"

The Democrats really need to catch up. We have like six guys now, and all they have is Barney Frank. How embarrassing. They have to get to work on closing the Gayness Gap. Maybe they could convert Ted Kennedy. After a few dozen highballs, it's not like he's going to be picky.

Oh, well. Now we know what the "G" in "GOP" stands for.

More

Best part of the Craig story? When confronted with the fact that he moved his foot into the next stall and put it against the foot of the undercover cop sitting there, he said that it happened because he uses "a wide stance."