Couched in Terms You Can Understand

I had a lot of fun on Nowlive last night. Mike was in top form, and Moxie stuck it out for the duration. Which was very impressive, given that I stayed on the air for hours. I was going to quit after 90 minutes, but Moxie persuaded me to stick around a short while longer, and I ended up in a marathon session.

Reader BigWyo kept trying to call in, but he had technical problems and had to put up with a certain amount of heckling from the chatters. Thanks for trying, dude.

One of the more interesting topics covered: intelligent choices to make when you're obese and know you're going to end up physically "welded" to a couch. I can list a few of the more important ideas.

1. Choosing an obesity couch is a pivotal task in your life, like selecting a design for a tattoo, buying a Costa Rican timeshare, or picking a life partner. Make sure you choose wisely. Consider things like your skin's natural tone and whether you prefer an absorbent couch or one that sheds fluids. And remember, once you and the couch are one, it's too late to think about lumbar support.

2. Speaking of tattoos, a couch can be helpful when you're nervous about committing. If you're just not sure you want to be marked for life, have the artist tattoo a section of the couch near your body. That way if you get tired of the design, you can always replace a fabric panel or cover the tattoo with a throw pillow.

3. If you're in a bad marriage and you and your partner are both morbidly obese, make sure you don't become welded to different ends of the same couch. It won't do you much good to divorce if you're three feet away from each other, bickering over the remote and trying to steal each other's food.

4. Try not to allow your entire family to become welded to couches. Someone has to have mobility in order to be the enabler. Those Ding Dongs won't carry themselves home from Costco.

5. Don't waste money on a convertible couch. There is no way you'll be able to open it, and the mattress will become a home base for the rats and roaches that depend on your crumbs.

6. If you're on a budget, consider becoming welded to a recliner. They're cheaper than couches. Added bonus: when it comes time for the paramedics to take out a wall and use a forklift or crane to remove you from the premises, it will be much easier to load you onto the flatbed.

Here I am, Catching a Lift to Costco

7. If you're politically progressive, try to become welded to a couch from IKEA. They're gay-friendly. Possible alternative: become welded to a futon.

Is it okay to make fun of huge people with tragic weight problems that will eventually kill them? Yes. And here is the reason. There is no way they can run fast enough to catch me. Although if one of them comes after me in an electric cart, stick a fork in me, because I'm done. Some of those things cruise at upwards of twelve knots. I'm serious. The other day I saw one with a blower on it. Of course, that guy was trying to catch an ice cream truck so he could jack it.

It was the first time I had ever seen a "drift" obesity cart.

We also discussed my notion of buying a late-Fifties GM truck and restoring it, but nobody cared.

We talked a little bit about the tasing of Andrew Meyer, and I think most of us agreed that it was merely a good start. I don't know much about police procedure, but it seems to me that tasing would have to be more effective and satisfying if combined with pepper spray. My condensed version of his Youtube video is getting lots of interest. I have had several comments describing me as "ignorent" and "an ase."

Here, in case you missed it earlier this week. I promise, it will brighten your morning.

Okay, someone start the flatbed. I have to get to Costco before they run out of giant diapers.