No Fan of Bad Engineering

Here is a sad side effect of living in Miami. You get so used to the hot weather, when the temperature in your bedroom goes below 72, you need a space heater. Or a big fat wife who throws off a lot of heat. For the last two nights, I've been suffering with old heaters that make noises like NNNGONNNGGGGNNNNNNNMAAHHHHHHHHHHH when they go on, so as soon as rush hour is over, I'm going out to buy an electric blanket. I can't stand it any more. I can barely keep my eyes open; I'm practically hallucinating from sleep deprivation.

I have a clue for the idiots who design space heaters. I know you morons will think I'm a genius for suggesting the obvious. Put a switch on your heaters that runs the fan constantly, so they only cycle the heating elements. That way, your crappy Chinese motors won't go on and off all night, making it impossible to sleep. Sure, it will use more electricity and exacerbate global warming. Do I care? Does anyone not living in New York, California, or Massachusetts care? Hell, no. We want to sleep.

How is it possible that any space heater made after 1930 lacks this feature?

Here's a suggestion for some other idiots. I mean the ones who make bedside machines that make soothing noises like crickets and waterfalls. Don't use looping sounds, and for God's sake, don't use loops that have mysterious "WOMMM" sounds every seven seconds. I tried to use a Homedics Sound Spa to drown out a space heater last night, and here is what I heard.

"WOMMM...WOMMM...WOMMM....NNNGONNNGGGGNNNNNNNMAAHHHHHHHHHHH...WOMMM...WOMMM..." It was like sleeping with Bobby McFerrin.

I loved my Sound Spa until I realized all the sounds were looped. Instead of relaxing, you lie there waiting for the next go-around. That "WOMMM" becomes maddening. It also has a bug in it that occasionally yells "BIIDDDDDDIDDDDIIIDDIIITIIIITTTTT" in the middle of the night. Maybe it's signaling the mothership.

Hmm...maybe I spoke too soon. Looks like it won't be getting cold enough to matter tonight. I don't care. I want to be ready next time.