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Dennis the Peasant says Chaz Johnson is having a slapfight with the Gates of Vienna.

My response: what the hell is the Gates of Vienna? I went and looked, and I got real bored 'cause there weren't many pictures, and then I saw the Pajamas Media Seal of Bad Quality, and I realized I had had all the fun I was likely to get. Then I checked out some dirty freaky midgets single-serving-sized exotic dancers on Liveleak.

I got a funny email about my post about dope. Maybe the person who wrote it will own up to it; I'll keep the info to myself. Here it is:

Your thoughts on grass are spot on. I smoked it daily for about six years and all it did was leave me unable to remember much of what went on during six years of my life. I could have saved a lot of money but just relying on age to bring senility, and with it, the loss of any memory of those six years.

In my response, I compared marijuana addicts to bags of suet that do nothing but fart and complain. "Whine" is what I really meant. And my correspondent said:

I can’t say I’ve been around anyone who does dope for nearly 25 years, but if memory serves, you’re right about that. I have a 45 year-old ex-client who had on-and-off cocaine/alcohol problems, and one day he was talking about how much time he spent in bars. I listened as long as I could and finally said “If you’re over 40 and spend more than 1 night a week in a bar, you’re a loser. Period.” I feel the same way about reefer boys… if you need reefer in your life, you’re a loser. Period. By the way, that ex-client said to me about two years later that my comment was one of the biggest reasons he cleaned up.

Ouch. It's a good thing I'm too lazy to go to bars, or I would be royally pissed.

Can you believe a person would say something that judgmental? Frankly, I was taken aback.

I was thinking about what I said earlier today, about dope smokers smoking to help them not be jerks. And I remembered an obvious truth. People always drink or use drugs to correct what they perceive to be their deficits. For example, I drank like a whale in high school and college, because it created the illusion that I had a personality, charm, and self-confidence. Luckily, I resolved those issues. By developing a personality, charm, and self-confidence? No. By realizing I didn't really want those things. And would not know what to do with them.

I used to know someone whose wife was grateful when he smoked weed, even though when he was high, he did nothing but lie in bed, watch TV, and put on fat. The reason? It really did make it possible to get along with him. When he was straight, he was a challenge, to put it mildly. My sister is the same way. Stuff her full of Oxycontin, and she nearly resembles a human being. Straight, she's like Hillary Clinton with a red-hot wire up her ass.

The sad thing about weedheads is, they think they're okay. Like all addicts. They buy the bullshit about dope being harmless and non-addictive. Wrong. Forget the tendentious, ludicrous rationalizations we've heard for thirty years. It works like this. If you have to have a mind-altering substance, you're addicted to it. End of discussion; your opinion is not valid and has been pre-rejected. If you think you're fine, great. When you finally man up and quit, ask your friends and family if they thought you were fine when you were smoking.

Fortunately, all my addictions are healthy. I worked on my tool addiction today. I cranked up the new table saw and made sure everything was aligned. I also watched a video called "Mastering your Table Saw." That's how bad I am. I learned all sorts of stuff. Mainly, I took this away from the experience: the inconvenience of using a blade guard beats the inconvenience of having a plastic hand. On short, of being Munsoned.

If you read about table saws on the web, you'll see all sorts of things about people cutting their fingers off. One forum post I read was actually funny, God forgive me. A guy said his father lost three fingers to a circular saw. In three separate incidents. Now, I realize nobody is perfect. And I know his suffering was awful. Really, it's not funny. Seriously. But how many fingers do you have to cut off before you get it right?

This guy is like the cat in the Far Side cartoon that tried to eat the piranha. Remember that one? The funniest thing about the cartoon was subtle. It had TWO wooden legs. Meaning, after it lost one leg, it still thought eating piranha was a good idea.

How do you lose a finger to a circular saw? Was he saving money on sawhorses by cutting wood as he held it in his left hand? All I can say is, tools are not for everybody. I plan to budget my extremities, and if I lose more than one, I'm going to get a new hobby.

The whole business has me terrified. I plan to make a push stick about nine feet long. I cut a piece of two-by-three today for purposes of marking the table's surface, and the whole time, I was staring at the saw, trying to figure out if there was any conceivable way I could maim myself during the three-second pass.

The video was good, although it was 14 years old and the guy was wearing a Mondale button and I think the table saw was powered by a steam engine. Apparently you can do incredible things with a table saw. If you're willing to maintain a three-story-building full of jigs.

I keep reading that jobsite saws like the one I got suck. I don't care. A stationary table saw is like a pool table; it takes up a whole room. I would rather suffer with my little saw, which can be stood up and rolled against a wall, than build a wing on the house for a he-man saw that can rip a redwood log.

The garage is killing me. It's so wonderful now, I go out there and stare at it for minutes at a time. I'm like a stalker, only I'm stalking a room. It's so clean. It's so orderly. And I have so much room now, I have terrible urges, pushing me to buy a full-size drill press.

Bench drill presses are supposed to take up less room, but is that really true? They have the same size footprint, and when you're not using them, they don't just evaporate. You have to put them somewhere. If they're on your bench, they're in the way. If they're on the floor, they might as well be full-size. Damn it.

I used the leaf blower in there again today, like Bill Murray in Caddyshack. I cannot countenance dust. I am not willing to discuss it. Dust will not be permitted to exist.

Not sure where I'm going with this. Ron Paul waterboards baby penguins and he ate Jon-Benet Ramsey. I guess that's the bottom line.