I Used Geometric Logic

I've decided to back Fred Thompson in spite of his failure to campaign, and in spite of his wife, for one simple reason: Fred says the government should not tell us what to eat.

He's not a real candidate, and he has no chance of winning a single primary, and he's too lazy to be President anyway. But I don't mind endorsing him, because my endorsement means absolutely nothing. Not even that I have to vote for him. If it comes down to Fred versus Hillary, I'll write in Perot or even Christopher Walken. "Vote for me, or I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron." Tap, tap, tap, tappity-tap. "I learned that step from Charles Durning. Fat. But always light on his feet."

In a CNN story, Fred points out what should be obvious: managing our diets is not one of government's main duties. Crazy as it sounds, governments have historically allowed people to eat what they wanted. I feel like we already pay enough taxes without funding additional bureaucrats to remind me that I'm obese.

The horrifying thing about this story is that CNN watchers are generally furious at Thompson for suggesting that we should decide what we eat. The comments that follow the piece show that the same people who think drugs should be legalized and unregulated expect the government to deprive us of steak and pizza and pie. It's hypocritical, if you think about it. When you smoke dope, what's the first thing you reach for? A bag of synthetic Nabisco cookies. Who are the fattest, laziest, most disgusting sacks of crap in America? Marijuana smokers. Maybe they need to sprinkle a little crack in those joints. Maybe we need federal guidelines to help us decide which recreational drugs to use.

I can't seem to get it into my head. There are millions of people in the US who want the government to raise us and care for us like cattle. How is that possible? How can anyone want that? It's not just stupid. It's creepy.

Remember this: if we want to be the pampered Eloi, the government will necessarily become the predatory Morlocks. I don't want to be plugged into the Matrix any more than I already am.

The government is wrong about food, anyway. The ridiculous "food pyramid" is more suited to beef cattle than human beings. For example, they want you to eat 25 grams of fiber a day. I challenge you to try it. That's over six bowls of raisin bran. I'm telling you, your ass will literally explode. On a good day, with effort, I probably manage to get 10 grams. And those are the days when I'm nervous about straying too far from the bathroom.

If you eat as much grain as the government wants, you'll be fat, you'll have blood sugar problems, your teeth will rot, you'll have mood swings, you'll fart constantly, and you'll be hungry all the time. In short, you'll have several of my endearing traits, plus four new ones. And you'll look like Fred Thompson.

Here's another thing to think about. Who does the government listen to when it makes food policy? Scientists? Doctors? Uh...no. It listens to the same people it listens to when it considers other issues. I'm talking about LOBBYISTS. If you'll pardon me for mentioning Fred Thompson again.

Hmm...farming is a big industry...and that pyramid seems to contain, literally, a shitload of grain. Doesn't that worry you a little?

Do you seriously think that when the government puts out food guidelines, industry doesn't get to review them first? Can you be that stupid? Do you really think the ideas for the guidelines originate in government laboratories, and not in corporate marketing sessions? Look, here is how a republic works. Questions come up, and instead of using deductive reasoning to learn the true answers, a whole bunch of people get to vote and persuade. Net result? If enough lobbyists say dog shit is good for you, it will end up in the food pyramid. Believe me. And then your kids will get it in their school lunches.

The government never thinks for itself. I can give you a great example, as a lawyer. When you practice law, you do the judge's work for him, including drafting orders so that if he rules in your favor, all he has to do is reach through the bars of his crib and sign them. Seriously, it's like caring for a helpless baby. You tell them the case law. You tell them what the evidence means. Then they misunderstand it or ignore it because of their biases, and they do what they decided to do ten minutes after your brief hit their desk. Congress and federal agencies are the same way. The people at the EEOC are so inert they might as well have pins inserted in their bones so lawyers could attach strings and move them around like puppets in a No play.

Corporations hate ideas that come from outside, because those ideas are generally better than the ones their own people come up with, and they make existing employees and managers look as stupid as they actually are. Government, on the other hand, is addicted to outside ideas and demands them, because the horrifying alternative is to work, and that is precisely what people get government jobs in order to avoid.

We should be using our own common sense, but instead we want to listen to Milo Minderbinder, telling us chocolate-covered cotton balls are delicious because they're good for business.

I know it sounds crazy, but listen to me: the government isn't supposed to do EVERYTHING. I don't want to come off like that stupid America-hating kook Ron Paul, but we have to draw the line somewhere. I live in a city where the Nazi code creeps tell me what color I can paint my bedroom walls. That's our future if we let the government pass nutritional laws.

I insulted Ron Paul solely to attract his Technorati army ants. RON PAUL MOLESTS CHICKENS. RON PAUL LOOKS LIKE HENRY GIBSON. Having Ron Paul around has really helped me get over the loss of Pat Paulsen.

I love ticking those morons off.

I ate oatmeal and a disgusting protein bar for breakfast, and later I'll have to eat fruit and tuna and maybe even salad. I WILL have some decent food on my off days, or we are going to re-enact Ruby Ridge. Only I'll win, because I have the one thing law enforcement officials cannot resist. No, I don't mean opportunities to tase innocent black people. I mean doughnuts. I'll lay in a good supply of flour and Coco Lopez and coconut oil, and the agents and I will hole up like the British army fending off the Zulus. As more and more LEOs cross over, I'll eventually become the head of the FBI and the de facto President for Life. After that, the asses will start falling into my briefcase, to paraphrase Wilford Brimley (another oatmeal head). And my first move will be to ban soy. After making flimsy tube tops compulsory for all hot chicks over the age of 18.

Go ahead. Send Janet Reno in her silly little tank. I'll light that bitch up like a swarm of confused fireflies humping a Christmas tree. My walls are concrete, and I have a fire extinguisher.

In conclusion, I fully support Fred Thompson. Until I have to go into a voting booth, at which point I'll have to cut the crap and vote for a grown-up. I hope one enters the race soon.