I Seen the Whole Thing

I just checked out the John Edwards Love Child story. One thing that convinces me it's bogus: if John Edwards were going to have a "love" child, he would have to have sex with himself. Otherwise, it would be just another bastard. So I guess it would grow up to be a tort lawyer.

Just kidding. Of course the story is true. It came from the National Enquirer. People make fun of the Enquirer, but think about it: when was the last time they were wrong? They used to print stuff that was completely insane, but over the last decade or two, they've embarrassed a lot of celebrities with true stories. They shrug off lawsuits better than Al Sharpton. Hell, they even beat anthrax.

One part of the story that makes it credible: the identity of the mom. A trashy-looking blonde who hangs around political campaigns. Hmm...I've seen that face before. Isn't that the albino who stalked Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard? Or has Laura Ingraham discovered meth? If so, save some for me.

I don't know how Democrats feel about the Edwards bastard bomb, but I've seen Liz, and all I can say is, some transgressions are understandable. I could even forgive Slick Willie if he had had a couple of desperate flings, instead of wrapping his legs around everything he or the Arkansas State Police could catch. "Let the governor finish, or we WILL tase you."

Maybe the story IS fake. Maybe Edwards planted it to kill the gay rumors. Who cares? He wasn't going to win or be nominated anyway. If John Edwards were the only candidate on the ballot, most people would write in Pedro.

Incidentally, Ron Paul has a love child. But when she threatened to go public, they sheared her wool and sold her to a meat packer.

Ron Paul is an asshole. Ron Paul has fleas. Google Ron Paul and pay me a visit, flying neo-libertarian monkeys. My advice? Put out the joint, pull up your pants, and get yourself to class. Mom and Dad aren't paying $40,000 a year so you can read blogs.

Let's see. I want to be apolitical, and I picked on John Edwards. Now I should pick on a Republican. A real Republican, not Ron Paul, the President of the Internet.

Fred Thompson. He has apparently reappeared. I guess somebody in his campaign said "Beetlejuice" three times. Or maybe the wife cut him off and made him resume campaigning. If so, "the big Iowa push" maybe be a double entendre.

How long will it last? How long will the candidate from the great state of Narcolepsy remain conscious? Just get in the White House, Fred. They can wheel you in on a dolly (note to self: add Bill Clinton joke). After that, your wife and Halliburton can fight over control. And my money is on your wife. If Jeri Thompson had married a different Tennessee politician, Al Gore would be President.

I'm glad Fred managed to fog the mirror and generate a pulse. I guess we can recall those divers from the waters off Aruba.

I don't care about any of this crap any more. I'm going to take Michael Moore's advice and move to Norway. They have so much oil money, they can actually afford socialism. At least, they'll be able to afford it as long as they keep their racist immigration policies in place. I can pass for Norwegian; I have blue eyes, and I can pretend to have no sense of humor.

I was disappointed to learn that Bush I had endorsed the Hildebeest. He denies it, of course. His keepers put out a denial above his signature. But the guy is in his eighties, and the mind is not all there, and he has one-termer complex, so I think Slick Willie was telling the truth.

It could happen.

I also got ahold of a page of notes stolen from Dana Perino's desk, and here is what it said:

The President respects his father's service to his country and his right to have a dissenting opinion. However, as the former President's most recent statement shows, Mr. Clinton's claim was not accurate. The President is pleased to see his retired father enjoying pastimes such as politics and sky-diving, and he hopes he takes up base-jumping. It signs the denial or it gets the hose again. Happy Holidays.

Is he really skydiving, or are Republican operatives simply throwing him out of airplanes? He should take Clinton with him next time. Knowing Clinton's luck, he'd land on a secretary.

A lot of guys have.

I think pretty soon Bush I is going to end up like Castro. From time to time we'll see him in a track suit, holding up a recent newspaper, and then he'll just disappear. Maybe they could have a TV series set in Palm Beach. "The Golden Boys." The third cast member? Morty Seinfeld.

I can just see it now. "I am President of the condo board....for LIFE!"

Okay, that's the morning drivel. Someone get me a bran muffin.

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