Six Million Reasons to Barf

Here's an interesting story. Ron Paul--who I am still convinced is actually Henry Gibson--raised 6 million dollars over the Internet this weekend. That begs the question, are 600,000 stoned college kids voluntarily going without reefer for a week to support the cause, or did they just put it on their parents' Mastercards?

Ron Paul, the Apostle of Marijuana. What pride his family must feel. I'm still adjusting to my recent realization that his movement is "grass roots" in more ways than one. Millions of stupid droopy-pants punks think easier access to dope is a good reason to vote for a Presidential candidate. Because it's so hard to cop NOW, and the penalties are so severe. Sometimes you have to walk half a block, and if you get caught, a mean cop might call you a name and take it away from you.

I still do not understand why people get hooked on marijuana. It's the most boring drug since Ex Lax. It's the polyester leisure suit of drugs. The Ford Fairmont. It's what accountants in white loafers smoke to relax during tax season. You don't see pretty things, you don't feel like you can fly, you don't become convinced you're God, you don't have more energy, it makes your tits grow (unless you're female), it destroys your self-respect and ambition, it makes you fat, and best of all, you smell like horse manure.

It makes sense, though, if you think about it. Marijuana is a drug that doesn't achieve much, and dope smokers are underachievers. Dope smokers and pot were made for each other. Marijuana makes you sort of half-high, with none of the fun of heroin or other real drugs. And chronic marijuana smokers are half-alive. Sometimes I think pot mainly attracts people who are no fun unless they're stoned. It makes you laugh, it makes you easygoing...in short, it makes you not a jerk. Maybe I never liked it because I have a sense of humor and manage not to treat people like shit, even without drugs.

For a long time, I've wondered if marijuana is the reason Louis Armstrong went from jazz genius to corn-flake-commercial Uncle Tom. If I hadn't seen the documentary Jazz, I would never have realized Armstrong was anything but Stepin Fetchit with a trumpet. Critics make excuses for his later work, but it was garbage. He did his best work before he was thirty, and then he dried up. How pathetic is that? And he smoked dope every single day, except when he was in jail for smoking dope.

Probably even then.

I don't think he's alone. Has Paul McCartney written any good songs in the last 35 years? That's quite a dry spell. Hard to explain, if dope isn't the reason. Nothing shrivels talent like cannabis. It seems like you can smoke or you can be creative, but you can't do both.

Anyway, Ron Paul is not going to be President, unless "President" means president of NORML.

I'll probably make hardcore dope smokers mad by running down their hero and their drug of addiction choice, but then people with "substance abuse" (I love that phrase. "Doc, I can't quit smoking substances!") always get mad when you threaten their habits. It's like attacking their spouses or lovers, except that addicts actually care about their drugs. Spouses and lovers take a back seat.

It occurred to me this morning that this idiot might get so full of himself he runs a third-party campaign and puts B. Hussein Obama in the White House. God, what a nightmare. I would quite honestly prefer Hillary. Hell, maybe she'd save us some money by bringing back the stolen furniture.

I asked myself if Ron Paul had a big enough ego to do a thing like that, and then I remembered. He's a doctor. Compared to doctors, even lawyers are humble. A guy breaks 1200 on the SAT and gets a job ramming his finger up people's behinds and squeezing pus out of boils, and suddenly he's God's gift to humanity. Go figure.

If Ron Paul is really a doctor, he could do us all a big favor by prescribing speed for Fred van Winkle Thompson, who is so lethargic pigeons shit on him. It doesn't have to be a long-term thing. Just keep him wired until he gets in the White House. Then he can go back to bed, and his wife will run things. Not that this would be new.

I guess we should abolish the drug laws and get rid of liquor taxes and let all the FODs (Friends of Darwin) off themselves with overindulgence. We would have a rough five years or so, but think of the new sports records that would be set by men with gorilla muscles and Chihuahua testicles. Unless they're too stoned to compete. "Welcome to the World Series. Sponsored by Nabisco."

I guess the establishment media will coddle Paul so he can further their liberal agenda by dividing the vote. If--and I know this won't happen--he wins, they'll develop PDS. Paul Derangement Syndrome. Then they'll tell us all the negative stuff they should be telling us now.

Caffeine. That's the drug for creative people. Never mind how I know. Just drink it.