Ron Paul Plays Hacky Sack With Kittens

Drudgebart.tv.com links to a horrifying story today. Scientists claim human beings are evolving at an accelerated rate. Why horrifying? Because near as I can tell, I missed the boat. Everyone is evolving, and here I am stuck with these mid-20th-century, hopelessly obsolete genes. This is ten times worse than buying a computer right before a new chip comes out. Here I am, marooned at 1.0, and evidently the pimply, snotty, droopy-pants, MTV-educated, Ron-Paul-Supporting-Because-he-Wants-to-Legalize-the-Chronic, Generation Z pukes I see at the mall are already at 1.2 or 1.3. These are the brilliant creatures that will run our magnificent future. Meanwhile the rest of us will be confined to cages and forced to live on bananas.

Mmm...bananas...

Damn. I should have kept that to myself. It's hard to delete things when you type with your feet.

I guess we should be glad that we are moving past the genetic limitations that spawned throwbacks like William Shakespeare and Isaac Newton, so the world can have more Mike Tysons and Jackass cast members.

The article also mentions geneticists who claim Ashkenazi Jews are smarter than the rest of us, and it cites career choices like accounting and banking as the reason. I find that a little hard to swallow. I mean, Dennis the Peasant is an accountant, and he wasn't smart enough to scale the dizzying, Mensa-dwarfing heights of Pajamas Media membership. Not everybody can breathe the same rarefied air as geniuses like Pamela "My Milkshake Brings the Boys to the Web" Oshry Geller and porn critic Luke Ford.

Porn critic...isn't that like a sommelier for dogs who drink out of the toilet? "American Standard '59 has a mild nose with notes of corn."

If Ashkenazi Jews are really that smart, it means Barbra Streisand is more intelligent than Jesus Christ, who was Sephardic. I don't know if I can get behind that line of reasoning. One gave us the Sermon on the Mount. The other gave us Meet the Fockers.

The conclusion about Jews was presented as though it were no longer controversial. As though we've all gotten comfortable with the the notion that Jews are smart, and we've decided to accept it by consensus. Like global warming. My question: does that mean it's okay to openly state that Asians can't drive? I don't know if you've ever seen a Chinese person try to back out of a parking place, but I honestly think it would make sense for cities to buy Chinook helicopters to lift them out onto the street. It's a heartrending spectacle that can take hours.

Maybe Asians are so highly evolved, they're ready for teleporters, so they've lost the parking and driving genes. This is why the Japanese pay people to push commuters into subway cars. If you could understand Japanese, you'd hear them yelling, "BOARD THE TRAIN! BOARD THE TRAIN! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO DRIVE YOURSELVES!"

Does this mean it's finally okay for white people to admit we suck at sports? It's true. I mean, I'm sorry, but what, 80% of NFL and NBA players are black, and they make up 13% of the population? Call me crazy, but I consider that significant. We're not as bad as Asians, who are downright pathetic, but our second-rate status is hard to deny. We're inferior; don't fight it. Hey, the news isn't all bad. We're still the best at playing the banjo.

I may be wrong. This tiny 20th century brain gives me fits. Or maybe it's my blood sugar. Perhaps a banana would help.

DOH!

All kidding aside, I think it's possible that I may have evolved slightly. I've developed a really remarkable interest in tools, and that kind of thing always impresses anthropologists.They named one type of primitive man homo habilis because he was good with tools. Maybe I'm the beginning of a new species: homo depot.

The question is too big for my rudimentary nervous system to handle. But I think I've done well for a guy with a notochord.

Anyway, you've all been superseded, unless you're under 20 and have a bunch of Taiwanese mall hardware hanging from holes in your face, so hurry up and go "HOME" and listen to some classical music while kids who listen to lesbian-looking Canadian nouveaux folk artists on their Iphones turn you into Soylent Green. And along the way, smoke a doob for Ron Paul, who will one day rule the universe. He may not win this election, but our advanced successors will elect him eventually, and then he can do things like discussing arms reduction while giving Benazir Bhutto a free Pap smear.