The Internet's Unlikeliest Cowboy

I guess I ought to say something about a recent Washington Times headline which had websurfers all across America wetting their pants this week. Of course, I am referring to the story about Roger L. Simon, which described him--swallow your coffee before you read this--as "The John Wayne of the Internet."

I'm sure you remember all those Westerns where John Wayne started the show by shooting his partner in the back.

Who could be less like John Wayne than Roger Simon? Perez Hilton, maybe. Oliver Willis. It's hard to get farther out on the non-John-Wayne spectrum than Roger Simon. "The Peter Lorre of the Internet," THAT I could swallow. But not John Wayne.

If we confine ourselves to Westerns, I would say Simon is more like the Bruce Dern character in The Cowboys, who shot John Wayne from behind and then took over the leadership of a bunch of confused children. The parallels are startling, if inexact. I think this means Roscoe Lee Brown is Michelle Malkin. From now on let's call her "Mrs. Nightlinger."

Am I crazy, or is John Wayne supposed to symbolize courage, integrity, and nobility? How do those things relate to a weasel like Roger Simon? Is this a clever metaphoric device, where you describe something by calling it its opposite? Maybe next they'll call him the Wilt Chamberlain of the Internet.

I love the part where he says it was an "accident" that he became the CEO of Pajamas Media. "I accidentally strung Dennis the Peasant along for months, let him invest time and money, and allowed him to round up investors, before unintentionally cutting his throat and giving his job to Professor Heh and the Lord of the Flying Monkeys." It's amazing how stuff like that just happens.

The story was unintentionally funny in more ways than one. The John Wayne thing started the ball rolling, but then the writer amused by explaining what Pajamas Media was, in a way that made it clear he realized his readers didn't have a clue. You wouldn't say, "The New York Times, a big newspaper headquartered in New York." You wouldn't say, "CBS, a popular American television network." People know about CBS and the Times. But in a story making Simon out to be a big deal, the Washington Times had to explain who he was and what his company did. And if they write a story about him five years from now, they'll have to do it again, because PJM will still be on life support. If it weren't for certain well-meaning Kool Aid drinkers at Fox News, no one in America would ever have encountered the phrase "Pajamas Media" without turning on a computer. If PJM were going anywhere, Simon wouldn't be working for Politico, which unlike PJM is a genuine Internet success story. It's a bad sign when the CEO of a media company starts cranking out boring columns for a startup that came along later and blew his venture into the weeds.

Hey, I wonder if it took several million dollars to start Politico. Or TMZ. Or Perez Hilton. Bet it didn't. Uncle Aubrey, take note.

I am still willing to start a group blog, if anyone wants to bankroll me. I will do it for the low, low price of 2.5 million dollars. I guarantee you 10,000 unique visits a day. I think I can do that by paying Atlas fifty bucks a week to supply me with wet T-shirt shots. These will attract her core audience of libidinous Baby Boomers with cataracts, who go to her blog because their employers and caregivers prevent them from accessing porn sites at work or in the day room.

You will not make money, of course. That's not part of the deal. I want that clear, right up front. And no refunds; I learned that from watching Raj. We're in this together, you and I. Right up to the point where the venture collapses and I keep the capital. That's where you take over and I jet off to St. Bart's with a bevy of skilled prostitutes.

How come everyone gets to fail upward except me? It's just not fair. I can be as disappointing, gutless, and incompetent as anyone. All I need is a chance.

Give me 2.5 million, and I'll prove it. And if possible, convert it to Euros first.