US Circles Drain

Here is how I know Hillary Clinton will never be President. Last night as the Iowa results came in, I kept refreshing the page over and over. I didn't really care what happened on the GOP side, but I was fixated on the Democrat results. And when I realized the fat, smug, lying, weaseling, thieving, Secret-Service-humiliating Queen Bee was face-planting beautifully, it made me happier than seeing my candidate win in 2004. I would get out of bed with a 103-degree fever to vote AGAINST this thing, and I think I'm far from alone. I think a good percentage of the people who agree with me are Democrats.

I've never understood why Democrats won't give up the Clintons. It would be like throwing a safe out of a light plane during takeoff. Bill Clinton is the Democrats' Nixon, but they have turned defending him into an industry.

Hillary is trash, and she ought to be working her hostility toward her father out in therapy instead of punishing him by destroying the republic. The parasite Edwards is arguably evil and probably a psychopath. Obama is just an amiable zero who will never get elected because he's black. Out of the three, I figure he would be the easiest to stomach. He'll do okay at first, because the process starts out among far-left kooks too nutty even for mainstream liberalism, and they'll help him out simply because of his race. But in the general election, he'll have to get votes in places like eastern Kentucky and south Boston and Italian neighborhoods around New York. And that will not happen.

I don't think the Democrats can win this time, unless that idiot Ron Paul insists on running. And I'm sure he will, unless someone buys him off. I can't believe people are stupid enough to pay attention to a fool who says the Iranians aren't dangerous, but that's human beings for you. Always able to believe something ridiculous when it suits them.

Ron Paul sucks. Ron Paul is a moron. Ron Paul is a kook who resembles comic actor Henry Gibson. Welcome, welcome, Ron Paul Google vigilantes. Your candidate should be wearing diapers.

Romney is a cult nut and a proven liberal. Thompson isn't running. McCain is a schmuck. Giuliani is a gun-grabber who treated his wife like a handkerchief in flu season. Huckabee wants to be President of the United States of Mexico. And I keep asking myself: am I sure there isn't a decent country to move to after the election? Even the Australians are spineless sheep now. I was thinking last night that there might be a country in South America that was conservative enough, but they tend to be a little too conservative, if you know what I mean. I don't know if the Inquisition set the pattern or what, but the Hispanic bent toward repression almost amounts to obsession. Has there ever been a sizable Spanish-speaking country where, for say twenty straight years, life wasn't miserable? Hell, if Jacobo Timerman is to be believed, the Argentineans used to kidnap and torture people just because they were bored. He said he truly wanted to answer their questions when they had the electrodes hooked up to him, but it turned out there wasn't really anything they wanted to know. "It's a slow Thursday. I'll get a case of beer; somebody go pick up the Jew."

I think McCain would make a great coach. That's what he should have done with his life. Instead of repealing the first amendment, he should have gone to work at a high school somewhere, where he could have whiled away the happy years browbeating children and destroying their self-esteem and driving them to fantasize about shooting up malls. He seems to have that hypercritical, perpetually furious, domineering personality that makes a nice, abusive, successful coach. Saw his head off and screw in Bobby Knight's; what's the difference? Is there a single piece of footage anywhere, in which he doesn't look pissed off?

I don't know why 90% of sports coaches are sadists nobody can stand. It must be the same gene that makes them buy plaid jackets. I didn't get much grief from coaches when I was a kid, but watching the way they treated other kids was like watching dogs get run over. Maybe we need software to replace the kids. Write a program for the Wii, where hostile, insecure men who failed as athletes can abuse and show off for simulated children all day and make them cry and wet their pants, without harming actual humans. I think this idea has potential.

I will never forget my idiot elementary school PE coach, Mr. Gussman, making the kids stand in formation and watch while he pumped his tiny little legs and shot baskets on the kid-level six-foot-high hoops. What a nut case. He's probably in a home now, making the wheelchair patients watch while he shuffles around with a walker. "Hey hey, watch me GO!"

Hmm...I seem to have strayed.

Is it too late to start a new country? Peter Griffin did it. Maybe the Chinese would sell me some land.