Jocks: Ask a Smart Friend What it Means

The Miami Dolphins are cursed. They are the victims of legions of demons sent straight from the pit of hell. How do I know? Today I inadvertently learned that their brilliant strategy for next year's season is to get rid of Jason Taylor.

I am not a football fan. I only know what happens during the season because my friends insist on watching the games while we barbecue. But even I am smart enough to know that YOU DON'T TRADE THE ONLY GUY ON THE TEAM WHO CAN STICK HIS FINGER UP HIS ASS WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE.

Here's what I know about the Dolphins. For a couple of years, I watched them lose. But every so often, I heard the fans go nuts because something good had happened. And most of the time, when I looked at the screen, the heads were talking about Wes Welker or Jason Taylor.

Then the bottom-of-the-barrel Dolphins traded Welker to THE BEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL, where he is STILL a standout. And the Dolphins went on to have a season in which they only won one game. And the Patriots destroyed the Dolphins' old record, by having a longer perfect season, against better teams. So the Dolphins took it in both ends, basically.

This season, when I heard the fans go nuts, they were almost always cheering for Jason Taylor. He made play after play after play. So naturally, we have to get rid of him, too.

On the radio, they were saying they suspected Taylor asked to be traded. Damn, what took him so long? GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN, DUDE. Have a decent season with a real team for once. Hey, maybe the Patriots need another top-notch player. You can go hang with your old buddy Wes.

I'm not even a football fan, and this is making me vomit.

What is with Wayne Huizenga? The Marlins stunned the world by winning the World Series as a young team, so what did he do? He immediately destroyed them by getting rid of those "expensive" players who won games for him. Now the Dolphins suck worse than any kind of team anywhere has ever sucked in history, and he apparently wants to make them suck even harder. Which is technically possible, since they did win one game this year. It's like they've become the Pajamas Media of football teams.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Like I said, I don't know much about this crap.

I used to think it was hilarious when the Dolphins lost, because I think football is stupid, and I can't believe people deny their kids college money so they can buy season tickets. But geez...this isn't funny any more. It's like watching sharks eat baby penguins.