*Demented Scientology Midget With Chin Implant

I finally made myself sit down and watch a couple of the new Tom Cruise videos leaked by Gawker and Mark Ebner. JESUS, THAT LITTLE ASSWIPE IS CRAZY. I knew he was nuts, but I didn't realize how deep it ran. He's starting to remind me of Hitler. Same height, for one thing.

My God, how sure he is that we're all wrong. He calls normal people "SPs." No idea what that stands for. He calls psychiatry a fraud, claiming it's not based in real science. Meanwhile, he endorses a messed-up cult founded by a bad writer who openly admitted he had dreams of starting a bullshit religion for the purpose of cheating suckers out of their money (the way Scientology does).

Is that science, Tommy? How would you know? You never graduated from high school. I think when Tiny Tom appears on interview shows, claiming he knows something about science or medicine, they should make him stand beside an amusement-park Woody Woodpecker cut out that says, "You have to be THIS tall AND a high school graduate in order to tell Anderson Cooper what science is all about."

Cruise recites all kinds of nutty cult acronyms, beyond the highly respectful and not at all dehumanizing "SP." He says "KSW." He says "PTSSP." Here's one he needs to learn: STFU.

I'll give the Mormons credit. Their religion is a cult based on obvious lies, too, but it mainly hurts Mormons, ex-Mormons, and their relatives. The rest of us aren't harmed all that much, and Mormons tend to be productive, law-abiding citizens. I think Tommy, on the other hand, is about ready to start putting sane people in camps. He has "had it" with the rest of us, he keeps saying. The discussion is over. Screw that backward "democracy" business. We need to put the cult nutties in charge and do as we're damn well told.

After watching the videos and reading about how these scumbags sue everyone who criticizes them, I double-checked my cookbook manuscript. One chapter is "written" by Tom Cruise, and it contains a number of placenta recipes. I guess I better put in a disclaimer. "FICTIONAL CHAPTER WRITTEN BY RELATIVELY SANE HUMORIST WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE WE WERE PUT HERE BY AN ALIEN NAMED XENU."

I'm really proud of the cookbook. The first version had some weak chapters, and the food wasn't as good. This one is much funnier, and the recipes are sounder. And I am super-duper proud of the Tom Cruise chapter. If anyone on the planet really, really needs to be publicly ridiculed and marginalized, it's this pompous, ignorant twerp who has been rightly described as Scientology's Goebbels. The public is gullible; the more dignity we accord this retard, the more people he'll be able to dupe.

Let me do my part to expose this nut. I'm sure most of you saw the videos before I did, but in case you missed them, here's a good one.

OH NO! THE SCIENTOLOGY GOONS FORCED YOUTUBE TO TAKE IT DOWN, JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO EMBED IT!

Scientology not a cult? Right. What's one of the primary characteristics of a cult? THEY LIMIT INFORMATION. See Mormonism, supra. They were limiting information and revising history when L. Ron Hubbard's grandma was a zygote.

Don't worry. I found another link. And if it disappears, go to Gawker.com and search for "Tom Cruise." Or try Liveleak or Youtube. These videos will never disappear from public view, no matter what the kooks do.