Sorry

Here are the things I want to apologize for saying on my Nowlive show today.

1. There are only three times when it's okay to hold your wife's purse.
a. When she's buying a gun
b. When she's shooting a burglar
c. When she's kicking a hippie

2. TV's Bionic Woman had a bionic left arm, which was great because it helped her wash dishes faster.

3. In response to the question, "What could be more useless than a Playboy magazine printed in braille?", I said, "What about Rosie O'Donnell's diaphragm?"

I will be back with more apologies after my next show.