I am More Deserving Than That Fat Bitch Gore

I guess I am gay, because I came home from watching the Super Bowl right as the fourth quarter began. I just don't give a crap about football. It rewards imbeciles for bad behavior, warps our priorities, generates welfare for greedy corporations that con cities into building football stadiums, and perverts education. On the other hand, the Super Bowl offends the crap out of the rest of the world, because it's four hours of American self-worship. So it's not all bad.

I wondered why they picked Tom Petty for the halftime act. Then I remembered. Tiny Tim and Lawrence Welk are dead.

Before I went over, I made another pizza. My God, if I die tonight, my life will not have been wasted, and I will have no regrets. I was whimpering and banging on the kitchen counter before it was over. It was the finest pizza yet generated by human hands. I could not believe I cooked it.

Today's big change? Less water. Before Mike got my thinking straight RE vinegar, I thought the sauce needed a lot of water. But I was wrong.

Turns out pizza sauce is nothing like pasta sauce. Don't think of it as sauce. Think in terms of salad dressing. That will get you closer to the mark. In fact, I have this wild idea. Pizza without sauce. Just Italian dressing and cheese.

It is completely possible that I now make the best pizza on planet earth. And I will share everything with you, unless the Domino's people have me killed first. This is a black, black day for the pizza industry.

And I'll bet you think I'm kidding.

You just wait.

People are mentioning the Bud Light commercial with cavemen in it, and how it ripped off my book. I guess it's possible, but that book was a risky longshot idea my publisher had, and since the caveman show that was supposed to generate free publicity tanked, the book never really went anywhere. So I doubt the Bud advertisting people know about it.

Here is some of the relevant text from the book.

A few years back, somebody figured out that you could make big rocks a lot more useful by modifying them. So he got an axe and a big rock, and he started hammering and chipping. And he made the rock round and flat, with a big hole in the middle. That was the first wheel.

After that, when people went to his house for dinner, they sat around the wheel, ate roast mastodon, and shoved the bones down the hole. It was brilliant.

Obviously, that’s not the only use for the wheel. Little ones make wonderful earrings and navel decorations.

A few years back, some guy made four wheels and ran sticks through the centers and put them at the corners of a big wooden platform. Then he put his family on the platform and pushed them through the village while the wheels turned.

I honestly think that was the dumbest invention I’ve ever seen. Well. Second-dumbest. After the tyrannosaurus caller.