You'll Regret it if You Don't Listen
I'll be on Nowlive at 7:00 p.m., berating Food Nazis as usual. There is apparently some sort of marathon charity show on today, and if it keeps me off the featured network, I'll probably pull the plug early, as I am feeling kind of tired.
Don't Miss Tonight's Show
Tonight on Nowlive, I'll be trying to give away my Dr. Seuss boxer shorts a THIRD time, so make sure you're there to try out. Also, I will tell you how to make your own roasted pig skin for snacking. Mmm MMM! I cooked a pernil yesterday (picnic ham with mojo criollo), and I'll show it to you. The skin was a by-product.
I may have an interview for you, from some idiot who disputes the fact that vegetarians and Nazis are essentially the same thing. We'll see.
Seven p.m. Eastern, as always.
Plus Gun Crap
Tonight on Nowlive, I will continue trying to give my fabulous Dr. Seuss boxers away to some lucky girl. I will also discuss my new K31 rifle.
I'm planning to get a rest for it. I was going to get a rear bag and all that, but after hearing opinions on the pointlessness of learning how to shoot while jammed between a bunch of clamps and bags, I decided to settle for a front rest, which I will use part of the time.
My choice is the Caldwell Rock Jr., which is fairly cheap. Let me know if you think this is a reasonably good selection.
I also want a scope for my trusty Nylon 66 .22 rifle. After that, I think I can relax and not buy anything for a bit.
If anyone wants to recommend a good cheap .22 scope, please holler. Looks like Tasco gets good reviews on one I can get for about sixty bucks.
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I think I know why I've enjoyed getting into shooting so much. I just opened a box of 525 .22 cartridges and ran my fingers through them for the sheer pleasure, and I realized it gave me the same feeling I used to get back in Kentucky when I was a kid, standing around in the room at the end of the house where my grandfather kept a lot of his guns and ammunition. Is that crazy? I guess it is.
Roy Ran a Little Long
I am sorry to admit that I failed to give away my special Dr. Seuss boxers on my Nowlive show tonight. I just didn't get around to it. But I did manage to play two Roy interviews. The recorded stuff is like ten thousand times better than anything I do live, so I plan to do more of it.
I talked a little bit about Phil Hendrie tonight. This is a person I admire tremendously. A real comic genius. If you haven't seen his show, it works like this. Phil opens and says he has someone to interview. And it's always someone controversial, like the minister who runs Straight Arrow Ministries. This is a fictional outfit that cures homosexuality with painful electric shocks. The interview starts, and Hendrie does both voices. And he uses some sort of electronic thing to make "caller" voices sound grainy and different. He switches back and forth so fast, he seems to step on his own lines. Real callers who are not in on the joke get extremely angry, and they scream at Phil and the characters. It's a hoot for people who know what's going on.
I remember a show where he played a guy who ran a bar designed for extremely short customers, and by "extremely short," he meant 5'9" or less. He said they had special attendants in the bathroom, who, if necessary, could lift the tiny customers onto the toilet seats.
Anyway, he inspires me to do more recorded stuff. I need to loosen up to where I can do voices live, but I'm not there yet.
If you're a longtime Hendrie fan, and like me, you had no idea he was back on the air, click on the above link and look at his site. One thing about it will disappoint you, however. Hendrie has audio and video on the site, and he charges for damn near all of it. You have to buy a ridiculous "backstage pass" to hear any of it. That would be fine, if we were just talking about stacks of archives. But he also charges people to watch clips of him on TV shows! Even a pilot that didn't work out! Dude! Please! You put this crap up to promote yourself! Who is the giant marketing brain who told you it was a good idea to make people pay for it?
Maybe this kind of marketing is why he never took off on TV. Hopefully he'll hire someone intelligent to run his site, and some of this junk will be available for nothing. He ought to offer some of it for embedding on blogs. He's charging for the sizzle as well as the steak.
I've had some things taking up my time over the last week, but I should be able to spend three solid days this week working on writing and my Nowlive show, so things should start to improve shortly.
I didn't realize how much I missed Roy and Renaldo. I need to clean them up and keep them out of the gutter, but they can still be great assets to the team.
I would love to do this for a living, if I could squeeze any money out of it.
Thanks, all who came by and listened.
Homecoming for Renaldo
As if you needed one more reason to listen to tonight's Nowlive show, I'll be re-running a classic. If you missed Roy the Peepshow Midget back in my podcast days, now you can hear him again. I'll be playing the interview in which he told me how he hooked up with his Rumanian assistant Renaldo.
Example
I'm trying to come up with clever stuff to do on my Nowlive show (Sundays, 7 p.m. Eastern), but it's not easy with this tiny, beer-pickled brain. Tonight I'm planning to do a quiz game with a fabulous prize. Answer a few simple food-related questions, and you get a fabulous pair of my very own boxers. From Target.
This brilliant idea came to me after I became aware of a similar show in which porn actresses give away their underwear. You see, I'm a progressive guy. No, really. And progressives say men and women are exactly the same, except for silly ideas society has pounded into them. If men want to win women's underwear on radio shows, it naturally follows that women want to win men's underwear.
If you're a man and you inadventently win, I am willing to refrain from mailing you the prize. For a fee.
The boxers have been washed, which is probably a bummer for all you ladies who are anxious to bag them. However in the interest of total disclosure, they have been in a drawer in Florida's humid climate for several years, so there is a possibility that they contain a fair amount of mold.
I know what you want to ask. Will I model them for you? And the answer is, only if you sign a waiver and promise to wear OSHA-certified welding goggles.
I'll see you at seven. Good luck.
I Have the Face for It
When you're trying to publicize your work and get it noticed, you encounter one frustration after another. Even if you're very good at what you do, it's tough to get a break from people who can help you. So it's always encouraging to see someone in your situation make it.
Here's a nice example. Nowlive has a show known as The Bobo Show. I don't know anything about it. Haven't heard it. But I remember that a fairly short time ago, the guy who runs the show was asking other Nowlive hosts to network with him and so on. Well, this weekend he made a fantastic announcement. He got picked up by a radio station in Virginia Beach! Now he has a real show. This is actually the second Nowlive success story I've heard about.
Funny thing; when he got his break, he sent announcements out to about 300 Nowlive "friends," and only two replied with a public congratulation. That human nature is really something, isn't it?
Man, I envy this guy. I'm a writer; no doubt about that. But I would kill to have a talk radio show. I enjoy radio tremendously. Much more than I would TV. Maybe some day God will smile on me and give me my shot. Without requiring me to move to some awful place like New York or California.
Now that I'm doing shows less often, I should be able to jack up the quality and come off more like a pro. I certainly hope so. In any case, the experience has been fantastic. I don't even remember what it was like to be nervous on the air.
I'm trying to make the humor gentler but still funny. We'll see how that works. Anyone can be funny by being dirty and mean.
If you have a big radio station and you need a talk show catering to fat guys who love to eat and shoot, please give me a cushy job. I promise to behave relatively well, and I will even empty my own wastebaskets.
One More Time
I was not planning to do any more weekday Nowlive shows, but I accidentally scheduled one for today, and it looks like they mentioned it on the main site, so they are probably expecting a show.
I'm not going to bail out on them. I'll be on at noon. After that, though, I plan to restrict myself to Sundays and maybe one day in the middle of the week.
Me at Four, Moxie at Five
Today I'm resuming Sunday broadcasts for Nowlive. I'll be on at 4 Pacific/7 Eastern. Not sure if I'll be on the featured network, but at least I'll be on at a time that is more convenient for listeners than 9 a.m. Pacific.
Here's the best part about Sundays. My show comes on right before Moxie's. So if you enjoy listening and chatting with us, now you can get us in one big painful dose.
I think most of you will really enjoy Moxie's show. It's overtly political, unlike mine. And she has gotten much, much better over the last year. So much so that she has been picked up for a daily spot on national radio. You may not find the show to your liking if you're a liberal, but if you're not, it will have you turning handstands.
Call in and participate in the online quizzes. Her first game, the highly original "Hitler or Hillary?" consisted of asking callers which of the two famous politicians uttered various quotations. It was harder than you might think. And in a game called "Which is Bigger?", she asked callers which item could hold more alcohol: Ted Kennedy's liver or Janet Reno's favorite jockstrap.
I'm trying to work up my own game. I noticed that a satellite show featuring retired porn actresses has a quiz where callers try to win their used underwear. Since men and women are completely the same, and all the apparent differences are caused by societal pressure, I am certain that female callers will want MY used underwear. So I'm planning to give away a stunning pair of boxers.
Hey, Bill Clinton did it. And he even got a tax deduction.
So anyway, my show at 4 Pacific features food but not politics, and I sincerely try to avoid annoying liberal listeners, who are more than welcome. Moxie also welcomes liberal listeners, but she sticks it to the left pretty good.
Tune in today. And remember, you can subscribe via Itunes. But live participation is much, much better.
Noon!
I am really sorry for the light blogging and cancelled Nowlive show. I have to get my galleys back to the publisher, and Mike is in town, and it's a tough week.
I'll be doing a network show today at 9 Pacific/noon EST. The subject? Damned if I know. I'm working on that right now. Might persuade Moxie to chime in.
Hiatus
I'm not sure what's going on with Nowlive. They're saying I may be able to go back to Sundays. I'm taking a break today to catch up with other things. I'll post a message when the show resumes.
Help
Not totally sure what I'll talk about today at noon Eastern on Nowlive, but I'll be there, and so should you.
At Least I Didn't Have to Hire a Slackjaw
I resolved a major quandary today.
As longtime readers and Nowlive listeners know, I am a big fan of Winn-Dixie supermarkets because they stock a nice variety of white trash/ghetto pork treats. And they have "reward cards" that allow you to get huge breaks on weekly specials.
I want that cheap pork. Oh, how I want it. But I don't want Big Brother tracking my purchases through a computerized card. What to do?
I found out that Winn-Dixie will give you a card if you apply online. With no ID check. So I applied using my favorite Internet alias: Mr. Red Butz. And I gave them the phone number for the Miami time of day recording.
Soon I'll be ass-deep in delicious, inexpensive pork. And I won't have to worry about Skynet keeping a list of my purchases. Instead they'll be keeping tabs on Mr. Butz. They'll get the marketing info they want. It just won't be traceable to me.
This thing is worth it. I'm looking at this week's ad. Boston Butt, $1.49/lb. Spare ribs, $1.79/lb. Usually they have better bargains than this, but these aren't bad. Hey, if you buy country-style ribs or steak, you get another item of equal or lesser value free. Not too shabby.
What else is going on? Let's see. I decided to record a PSA for my Nowlive show. What the hell. Thousands of people hear it every day, so it can't hurt. I'm going to mention four charities that are honest and effective. I like World Vision, World Relief, Care Net, and the International Federation of Christians and Jews. Can't hurt to do something useful while I'm blabbering about midgets and pork.
I'm keeping up with my tools, believe it or not. My father needed a hard-to-describe thing to keep his closet doors on track, so I replicated the old one using the table saw, the miter saw, the router, and my Wecheer rotary tool.
I had to start by making myself a 3/8"-thick red oak board. The board I had was more like 5/8". I stood it up on its side on the table saw, put a two-by-eight beside it as a guide, and pushed it through with a makeshift push stick. I was on the verge of incontinence the whole time. I knew I was jury-rigging it, but I didn't have a week to wait for featherboards and so on. It worked perfectly. Table saws rock.
I then cut the board to length with the miter saw, routed out two grooves (which, I learned later, were totally unnecessary), and used the Wecheer to carve out holes for three plastic guide thingamajigs. Tools are great. It was a miserable job (due to my lack of a drill press, which is what I needed to make the holes), but it was ten times less miserable than using the tools I had five years ago.
Jesus. I may as well buy a damn drill press. On the other hand, maybe I could get by with one of those jigs that attach to hand drills. Or a drill press rig for my Proxxon. That might actually be more useful, since most of the things I want to work on are very small. On the other hand, it would be pretty weak, and maybe a real drill press could do everything it could do, and would be a better deal in the end.
Arrgh.
The miter saw is wonderful. I half-wish I had blown the extra money and bought a 12" sliding job. It would be huge and heavy, but much more versatile. Right now, there are things I have to use the table saw for, which would be easy to do with a sliding miter saw.
I'm going to order some featherboardy things. I can't keep putting it off. If I had cut something big yesterday, it might have flown off and caused problems. I had to "aim" the saw away from my motorcycles so flying objects would hit the garage door instead. That saw is scary as hell, and I want it to be as safe and predictable as possible.
Some people believe in buying tools as the need arises. I don't. You can do that for some tools, but there are some basic items you just goddamn well ought to have in your garage at all times. Just bite the frigging bullet and get them. You need a table saw. You need a good bench. You need a vise. Some kind of compressor. Everybody, without exception, needs a cordless impact driver. Why fart around? If you can afford it, put together a basic shop.
Buying a tool is liking buying a coffin. If you buy it before you need it, you can shop around and basically rape the vendors. If you wait until you have no choice, you buy whatever is available, and you pay too much. Simple truth. Yes, your money earns interest if you wait. But how often is the amount you earn likely to be worth it? Buy a drill press this year for $300, on sale, or earn interest and buy it two years later for $450. Did you really accomplish anything? That's a very typical scenario.
I spent like 90 minutes with the Wecheer yesterday, and I did an okay job, and by the end, I couldn't feel anything in my right hand. With a drill press, I would have done a perfect job in fifteen minutes.
I just dread buying another damn tool.
My table saw (Ridgid TS2400) has an aluminum top, so I can't use magnetic featherboards. If anyone wants to throw out suggestions, be my guest.
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I decided to try the GRR-Ripper featherboard/push combination for the table saw. It's not magnetic, and people seem to like it.
Listen, for the Children
I'm getting ready for my noon Nowlive show.
Topics include:
* Yogurt sucks
* Coconut ice cream recipe
* How to make ice cream, generally
* Flap meat
* The perils of foods that promote regularity
I'll also discuss random food-related news stories. See you at noon.
In Your Face, Food Nazis
The proofs for the cookbook arrived yesterday, and generally, they look great. The publisher chose to follow a couple of weird typesetting conventions, but they're not a big deal.
My only concern is the pizza recipe. I want to replace it, but they'll charge me money to do that. As far as I'm concerned, that's about like returning to publish-on-demand. I'm not shelling out $4500 in order to get some low-level tech to spend three minutes cutting and pasting in Adobe.
I suspect that the publisher outsources this stuff, because they don't seem to understand how easy it is to change a manuscript. It's just a PDF file. You can switch out a chapter as quickly as sending an email. Publishers are generally pretty backward when it comes to technology. It's surprising. If they sent me the PDF, I could do it myself and have it back to them in a few minutes. Maybe an outside contractor is robbing them, pretending it's a big deal, just to get more money.
You want proof that publishers aren't up to speed on technology? My book's proofs arrived in the form of a printed-out PDF file. They paid Fedex to bring it to me. They could have emailed it to me, free of charge, and I could have printed it out here.
Working with publishers is like having sex through a keyhole. Everything is done by email, and you never know how long it will take to get a response. It's a very crude process. There is a lot of confusion, and emails disappear, and in the end, you have to be satisfied with an extremely limited amount of control.
The net result of all this is that books end up with problems that should have been easy to fix. This is not the end of the world, but it's still annoying.
I'm wondering if I should eventually go back to self-publishing. It's a huge step down in prestige, and there are marketing problems associated with it. Bookstores and people in the press don't take you seriously. On the other hand, with a POD, you can get the book exactly the way you want it. And making changes is slow, but easier than changing a book put out by a conventional publisher. I thought a conventional publisher would provide me with a big marketing machine to help me get noticed, but it turns out that isn't true. I have to do all that stuff myself. So the advantages are limited.
It's also surprisingly hard to get help with editing. Publishers give their editors so much work, they can't really do much to help authors with things like structure. My editor is great, but he can't sit around poring over my book for a week, making detailed suggestions about the way it's organized. He is as helpful as time constraints allow him to be, but in the end, the big changes are in my hands. They say Max Perkins virtually rewrote the books he worked on. Those days are over.
If bookstores and media people ever begin taking POD books seriously, publishers are going to have a big problem. It will be like Wal-Mart v. mom and pop. When Wal-Mart moves in, mom and pop can only survive by ratcheting up service and doing things Wal-Mart can't do. Right now, the conventional-publisher edge is that POD books have a bad reputation and are hard to push. That won't be true much longer. When that edge disappears, publishers are going to change. Or they may just vanish. Anyway, I'll be keeping an eye on changes in the industry.
I'm starting to wish I could do radio instead of writing. I'll always write, but there are problems associated with it. You never know how much you'll get paid. It's easy to get yourself sued. And your words have a permanence that words spoken on the air lack. It's harder for people to take what you've said in the past and use it against you. It's more work. And it seems like no one ever gets sued successfully. They just get fired and end up working somewhere else.
Speaking of radio or the next-best thing, I'll be doing my Nowlive show today. I never fixed my technical problem completely, but I have things running reasonably well. I've managed to regain the ability to edit sound files. People are telling me my problem was caused by a feud between Adobe and Microsoft. Whatever. My answer is to quit using Media Player. I never needed it anyway. There are a million other programs that do the same thing. If Microsoft wants people to use their stupid program, they can damn well publish a software update and fix it. I checked their website, and as is nearly always the case with Microsoft, they offered nothing beyond moron answers. "Reboot your computer and see if this fixes the problem." "Make sure your files are associated with Media Player." Okay, retards, thanks. I'll pass. I know this is Bill's way of trying to force people to pay for Indian tech support. Forget it.
The whole Microsoft business model seems to be based on publishing bad software with useless help files and no documentation whatsoever, and then charging people to tell them how to fix it. They still charge, don't they? I'd rather save the money and use it to buy a Mac. I hope Microsoft goes out of business and all its employees end up on bread lines. It might stimulate other assholes in the tech sector to try to be a little more responsible and compassionate. I doubt that will happen, however, given the controlling, smug, heartless nature of tech nerds. It's really sad that this warped segment of society has gained so much power over the rest of us. We used to give them wedgies and take their lunch money, and then they went on to become harmless underpaid math professors. Now they're turning into all-powerful Morlocks who run our lives. And they have no ethics and no empathy.
Viva Vista. That's all I can say. That product is turning out to be a red-hot brimstone enema for the Microsoft Corporation, and conclusive proof that they are very bad at what they do. I hope it helps their competitors bring us better stuff.
To get back to the book, I'm very excited this time. It was nice when the proofs for the other books arrived, but this time I nearly shook as I proofread. There are some chapters that I could never hope to improve on. Some chapters are weaker, but when people see the best chapters, the world will finally find out what I am capable of doing. Maybe it will sell. Maybe it won't. Either way, I'll get the satisfaction of putting some of my very best work in front of the public.
I'm sure the parasites at Publishers Weekly will pan it, because frankly, they are too stupid to understand my writing and too biased to tell the truth about it. I'm sure I'll get my share of unfair and dishonest reviews. But I got to say what I wanted to say. Finally. They can't do anything about that.
At Least I Don't Have Vista
Couldn't do my Nowlive show today. I upgraded Flash, and suddenly I'm unable to play or edit mp3 files. I reinstalled DirectX. Didn't help. I have no idea what's going on. I was trying to put together sound files for the show, but I spent so much time trying to get things to work, I couldn't prepare material.
Be back tomorrow.
Little Things Mean a Lot
On today's Code Blue Cooking, I'm planning on reintroducing Roy the peepshow midget. I thought it was a shame so few listeners got to hear Roy's pearls of wisdom, and I know Keith Hopkins will be glad I brought him back.
Anyway, tune in at noon for a replay of "Interview With the Peepshow Midget."
Bummer
Obviously, today's Nowlive show is cancelled. No matter what method I used to call the server, Nowlive hangs up on me immediately. Sorry!
If you're one of the lucky, lucky people who listen to my Nowlive show, let me inform you that I will probably be cutting way back. On Nowlive, you get one of two situations. Either you're on their featured network and get to talk to thousands of people, or you're not, in which case fifty is an impressive number. I've been on the featured network every weekday for a while, because nobody else wants to appear at 9 a.m. Pacific. But I have been told that they're going to have to reduce me to one featured hour a week. And that's okay with me, because I was planning to quit doing daily shows. It prevents me from writing, and a once-a-week show will be better, because I'll be able to prepare material for it. Hey, here's my new intro bit, in mp3 format. You would never guess that I made it myself. Okay, you would. Just shut up.
I'm trying to pin them down on a time. In the past, they had me on at 7 Eastern on Sunday, and I moved to weekdays in order to get more hours. I would take that slot back if they would give it to me, but I'll bet it has been filled by someone more important. They look for people who can supply their own audience, and I can't do that. I may end up doing a noon Eastern show every Wednesday.
I'll be trying to improve the show. It's kind of ironic. I have always dreamed of writing for radio and doing recordings, but now that I have my own show, I sit and blabber from rough notes. That is ridiculous. So it's going to change. I've given Moxie a little help with preparation for her show, and it has really worked well, so you would think I would have enough sense to do the same thing for my own show.
Yesterday Mox had a game where she asked listeners which of two things was bigger. Example: the amount of sand in Nancy Pelosi's crotch, or the number of cigarettes Susan Estrich eats in a given day. Too funny.
I'll do a show today at noon Eastern, but look for a move soon.
Be There
Today on Nowlive: McDonald's feng shui, St. Paddy's as a national holiday, and why we need more guns.
Sorry
Here are the things I want to apologize for saying on my Nowlive show today.
1. There are only three times when it's okay to hold your wife's purse.
a. When she's buying a gun
b. When she's shooting a burglar
c. When she's kicking a hippie
2. TV's Bionic Woman had a bionic left arm, which was great because it helped her wash dishes faster.
3. In response to the question, "What could be more useless than a Playboy magazine printed in braille?", I said, "What about Rosie O'Donnell's diaphragm?"
I will be back with more apologies after my next show.
I Owe my Soul to Fark and Google
I have a ton of stuff to talk about today on Nowlive. I'm having a hard time doing cooking videos now, because I spend so much time preparing for shows, but there is plenty of good food content out there to discuss.
Listen Up
I wanted to thank everyone for the help with the guns and reloading. Even the people who don't know anything but offered advice anyway. The input saved me a lot of time and aggravation.
Next order of business: trouble among the HOI faithful. A while back, reader Ruth H. emailed saying her family is going through some tough times. Her niece has cancer, and her brother has serious age-related health problems, and she asked me to keep them in my prayers. So I'm asking you to do the same thing. You're wasting time at work anyway, so a minute or two of prayer won't make things any worse.
Second, reader Jeffro had a quadruple bypass, for which I hope I am not entirely responsible He's getting better, but he has some persistent nerve damage. So include him in your prayers, too.
Look, do it. This is not a democracy.
Finally, I will be on Nowlive at 9 Eastern, discussing food news of the day. Tune in.
I am Fickle
I think I have fixed my Tuesday noise situation, so I have decided to do Tuesday morning Nowlive shows. That means killing the Sunday show.
I'll be on the air today at 12 Eastern, and Moxie will be assisting. Tune in.
Sorry
I know I said I was going to do a show tonight, but common sense got the better fo me. See you tomorrow at 9 Eastern.
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PACIFIC, damn it.
This Entry Contains no Information Regarding Pulitzer Prize Nominee Jonah Goldberg
I'll tell you what. I have come to realize that performing is physically draining.
I've been on the Nowlive featured network for a few days running now, and at the end of a show, the adrenaline goes out of me, and I start to feel the way you feel about half an hour after a car wreck. Wiped out. There were all sorts of things I wanted to do today, but I can tell I'm going to be worthless until at least 3 p.m.
I have mixed feelings about this whole business. On the one hand, I have always dreaded fame. Even the tiny sliver of it you get from talking to a few thousand people. I wanted my work to be famous, but as for me, I wanted to be like J.D. Salinger. And I was mortified the day I realized I was going to have to put my face on video. Not as mortified as the people who had to look at it, but pretty mortified.
On the other hand, I have always wanted to do radio, without the cameras. Radio stars get to express themselves, and they aren't nearly as recognizable as other celebrities, unless they choose to be.
Sadly, you have to have a webcam if you want to get anywhere in Internet radio.
Things I helped the public understand today:
1. Fried food has magical healing powers, especially if you rub it on the afflicted area of your body.
2. Gun control results in people attacking and injuring each other with frozen candy bars.
3. If Al Gore rode a motorcycle, most of it would be concealed between his gigantic buttocks.
4. Cows have their own Bill of Rights, and it's mostly about their right to be eaten by me.
I can tell I'm going to make a pizza. There is just no way I can avoid it. I should throw that cheese in the street.
I have decided to do a Nowlive show on Sunday, even though it's during the Super Bowl. These people did me a big favor by featuring me, and I'm not going to leave them hanging. I think it would be best if I didn't use the pizza material until a better week, however. No point in wasting it on 50 people.
As soon as my strength returns, I will get the yeast going. You know what? All the work I've done--the blogging, the books, the radio appearances, Nowlive--it will all be worth it, even if all I really get out of it is the ability to make a monster pizza. I mean, pizza is that important.
I can tell you agree.
God Bless Nowlive
Because nobody wants to do Nowlive at 9 a.m. Pacific, I seem to own that time slot by default. At least for the time being. The second a popular host wants it, I'm out of there like Britney Spears's panties out the window of a moving Escalade.
I've been on the featured network twice in a row in that slot, and as far as I know, they'll keep putting me on until something better comes along. So I'm preaching the message of irresponsibility and obesity to a pretty large audience. I'll be doing it again today, so please tune in at this link. Today I plan to expand on my modest plan to put vegetarians in concentration camps.
You can also click the button in the widget to your right, to subscribe via Itunes.
I'll discuss pizza a little, too. I'm really floored by the results I got by stealing Mike's ideas. It's a wonderful thing, being able to make God's Own Pizza for about three bucks.
The main pizza discussion will be coming on Sunday. Believe it or not, it's extremely helpful to see someone toss dough, instead of hearing or reading about it. So I'll have a video of Mike doing his thing. It will change your life. No lie. You can do this.
Maybe that's what I should have called the book. "You Can do This." No, I guess not. But I get great satisfaction out of enabling guys like me to make their own first-rate man food.
More later. I have to prepare for the show.
Feed Them to Gaia
I want to thank everyone who showed up for my Nowlive show today. I'm still getting the hang of it. It's tough, managing callers while talking and observing the chat room. I had a caller or two hang up in disgust because I didn't see them. But I'll get the hang of it.
I was on the featured network after all, so maybe that will be a regular weekday thing. It's hard to tell. The people at Nowlive are so busy getting the business ramped up, it's very hard to communicate with them. I guess I'll keep doing noon shows as long as the network turns on while I'm on the air.
I didn't get a big response to my suggestion that vegans be rounded up and put in camps. Maybe I'll put the case forward more forcefully tomorrow.
Science Has Proven It
I don't think I'm on the Nowlive featured network today, but whether I am or not, I'll be doing a show at 12 noon Eastern. I'll be discussing my hatred of vegetarians and groundhogs. Tune in.
Nowlive Makes it Happen
The folks at Nowlive really came through for me tonight. They had to move a bigger show into my spot on the featured network, but they still managed to get me half an hour. I don't have stats for that time, but I know thousands of people tuned in.
On top of that, I got to follow Moxie, who was on earlier, so we were both warmed up.
Both shows went extremely well. I'm amazed at the difference months of practice have made. If you listen to stuff we did last year and compare it to our work tonight, the difference is huge. I used to ask you to tune in because I was desperate, but now I can actually recommend my show because it's entertaining.
Mox came up with a great audience involvement idea, where she read quotations and had people guess the speaker: Hillary or Hitler. Wonderful stuff. And it was really hard to guess.
The one thing I need to remember is to close the show when I'm done with my prepared material. After that, it becomes a BS session with friends, and the audience leaves.
Go over and listen to the archives and see what you think.
Also, here:
Sorry
I just found out my show won't be on the featured network at Nowlive at its regular time tonight. They're trying a different show. I applied for an open spot at 7 p.m. Eastern, but they haven't gotten back to me yet. The communication is primitive, because they use their internal comment system instead of email, so I have to keep refreshing my host page to see if they've gotten back to me.
If I'm not on at 7, I'll be on in my usual 9 p.m. slot. Either way, you'll see me tonight.
You are not Worthy of This Food
I filmed the ingredients for pole beans with ham hocks and cornbread, and I just got the pressure cooker on the stove. Man, this is going to be good. I'll talk a little bit about pizza, too. And I got a nicer tarp for a backdrop.
Nothing but class. That's how this operation works.
More
Oh God. There it is. That maddening pole-bean-and-pork smell.
How am I supposed to stand this for another hour?
Nowlive News
Today I have to get serious about Internet broadcasting. Nowlive's new featured network is nothing like older platforms. People are routinely getting audiences in the neighborhood of 10,000 listeners. For that, I am willing to do a little work. It may not sound all that impressive, but think about it. It's the same order of magnitude as the audiences Dennis Miller and John McEnroe used to get on CNBC. Okay, yes, their shows were failures. But that was big-time TV, not a humble Internet outfit. And Nowlive's venture has just started, so it will presumably grow over the coming months. Unlike CNBC.
I think content quality is the big problem for Internet radio right now. Many people don't prepare for their shows. And they don't act like professional hosts. There are a lot of shows where it's just the host and a bunch of his beer buddies, burping and making inside jokes for two hours. And instead of taking callers, letting them ask questions, and then moving on, they let a bunch of people call in and just sit on the line, doing nothing. It's terrible. Worthless. A waste of money and bandwidth. You wouldn't listen to that on the radio, so there is no reason to think anyone will listen to it on the web. Hopefully, as audiences increase and promotion improves, the cream--the people who are trying to do it right--will rise to the top. I just hope listenership doesn't increase so fast it attracts bloated media elites who will kick small fry like me off the network. What Internet radio needs is fresh, new people who will perform as well as old-media professionals.
I was going to fix myself a nice lunch of pole beans and ham hocks, with cornbread on the side. I thought I could film it for Youtube and Nowlive. I'm not sure now. I got ahold of some good pizza information last night, and I'm considering doing another pizza show. Or maybe I could divide it up between the two topics. Whatever I decide to do, you will see me on the air at 9 Eastern tonight.
Moxie now has TWO shows on the featured network, and they have moved her main show, Moxvox, to Sundays. For better or worse, they put her on right before me. It's positive because it helps our shows feed off each other. On the other hand, if her show goes over an hour, we'll be on at the same time. Oh well. That's life.
Moxie will be on tonight at 8 Eastern. I'm not sure what the topic will be. She was considering hosting a game, where she reads a quotation and asks people who said it. I'd tell you more, but I don't want to spoil it. It ought to be pretty funny.
While I'm on the subject of radio or reasonable facsimiles thereof, let me mention Elisson's new gig. I forgot to ask him about it, so I don't have details yet, but he's working for a real radio station now. I will quote his comment: "Sundays 4-5 pm EST on RST on Radio Sandy Springs, 1620 AM or at www.radiosandysprings.com." Tune in, if you're in his area. I'm sure it will be entertaining.
I have to go work on the show. Hope you show up tonight. I can't promise I'll be on the featured network, because they're still screwing with it, but if you like good grub, it's still worth a listen.
Lend me a Tube of PTSSP
I managed to get my latest Youtube uploaded. I can't thank Tom Cruise and Glenn Beck enough for helping me defeat my hemorrhoids.
I'll post the embed code. It should show up momentarily.
I'm off to buy a box of All-Bran.
I Meet my Heroes
I know I'm late to the party, but it took me a while to summon the courage to do this. I'm working on my own hemorrhoid video, and it includes a webcam teleconference with Mr. Beck and Tom Cruise.
If it comes out good, you'll see it on Youtube.
Damnation
It looks like Nowlive's new featured network is a success. I did my first network show last week, and from talking to other people, I figured I was in for a couple of hundred listeners. However, the stats are in, and it looks like THOUSANDS of people tuned in. Same deal for Moxie's show. How about THAT?
Damn, maybe I'll actually get some benefit out of the Internet now.
Shit. Now I'll have to start taking it seriously. I'll have to shave and get a real backdrop.
Moxie's show will be on at 7 p.m. Eastern, at this link. She's kind of flipping out, too. We are both trying to ramp up our efforts and build audiences. I was already busting my ass, but I'm going to have to do more.
With Video
Tonight on Nowlive, I present my very best entree: Champagne chicken. This one will really make your guests faint. I have the testimonies to prove it. And for a side dish, spinach fettuccine with a sauce made from cream, butter, garlic, basil, and grated cheese.
The show is at 9 Eastern.
I may also spend time making fun of Scientology, because I am a Suppressive Person!
Listen, or We'll Call a Social Worker
Moxie is about to do her Nowlive show, which you can find at this URL. I think she'll be discussing her neighbors and their possible reality TV series, "American Methhead." Tune in at about 7:10 Eastern.
In Honor of my Role Model, Glenn Beck
I'm about to break in my new Nowlive account, with an impromptu hemorrhoid factumentary. I don't have any notes; I'm just winging this. Listen if you want. You can also download it later.